You’re not even a good fragrance of douche.

A few months ago I posted about a man from a neighboring office in my building. I pass him in the hall sometimes and we exchange workplace pleasantries. That day, though, he asked if I’d been dieting, because I looked “really good” and “like I’d lost weight.”

I’ve seen him a few times since, and we were back to, “Good morning, how are you?”

But I just saw him again and he said, “That’s a REALLY nice dress, it looks great on you!” And elevator-eyed me.

Dude, did you skip an HR seminar or something? The last time anyone looked at me like that at work, he and I were screwing around in office closets.

I feel like a hypocrite, too, because I wouldn’t have minded the compliment on my dress coming from a man I was attracted to, or even a man I knew. The phrasing of his weight loss/diet comment was unacceptable from anyone, though — was I previously too much of a heifer to look good?

*sigh* I need another shower.

Tart Me Up

Oh, look — there are my feelings.

Thanks, office vending machine!

‪#‎ThisIsWhyYoureFat‬ ‪#‎AndWhyYouHaveADDProbably‬

My office is my meat market.

I love walking past tall, attractive men at work and knowing that, particularly from their vantage point, my cleavage is on point today.

Buzzed Buzzkilling/The Margarita Mystification

Ah, the annual conundrum of the office Cinco de Mayo party: not loving the racism, but REALLY loving the nachos. #ConscientiousGuacamole

“Let me work it, put my thang down, flip it, and reverse it…”

Email to a male coworker: “I almost feel bad every time they bring a new male employee in, because my eyes automatically check his left hand for a wedding ring. But I DON’T feel bad, because at least I check.”

Then again, when I tell my other friend a man is married, he always asks, “Well, sure, but…happily?” But investigating that involves too many potential emotional landmines for me.

Another male coworker is married and just had a kid, and a female coworker (also married) told me earlier she thinks he’s “so sexy.” And I agree, I want to nibble his lower tummy — don’t judge me, that’s what comes to mind. And this woman said, “I’m married, not dead.” Damn straight, lady. Respect. Dude is STUPID good-looking — like, I don’t even understand how he’s walking among us mere mortals.

And there’s another guy who’s SO cute, and he has NO idea. Like, I met him and expected him to be a total pretty-boy douche, but he’s super nice. (And also probably below my age bracket, but… I mean, there are always exceptions… “And when I clock black hair, blue eyes, I drift off, I fantasize…”)

Please don’t give me the ick before I’m caffeinated

Woman near the office coffee: “Oh, I like your sweater, it’s so pretty!”

Me: “Aw, thank you!”

She leaves the room.

Man near the office coffee: “I can’t say anything about your sweater because that would be creepy.”

Me: “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Though, um…if you didn’t want to be creepy, maybe don’t bring it up at all? What with the wedding ring and all…maybe just shut up?

Also, I am apparently an asshole before I’ve had coffee.

I hope it’s cool that you’ll have be naked for your interview.

Another on office attraction…

Um, no, YOU’RE taking a former coworker’s LinkedIn post looking for a new job as an opportunity to lure him and his giant hands into your office, OR just to give him your phone number.

Shut up.

I met him at my last job, shook his hand, and immediately wanted to have sex with him. He’s literally the only person I’ve known on sight I wanted to sleep with — normally it starts with, “I can work with your face and body” and gets more/less intense with conversation. This guy, I don’t even care if he has a personality, as long as those hands do things to me.

This may or may not be influenced by the fact that my libido has been on absolute CRACK for the past 5 days. I think I need an actual person, one with weight, so he can, um…get the job done correctly. Silicone’s just not working for me anymore. 

I don’t THINK he’s married, but it’s been about 18 months since I’ve seen him, so who knows. He has my number now, though, so he can do with it, and me, whatever he wants.

But…come on. Bend me over a desk just once?

A happy bonus of having NO game whatsoever is that your boss probably can’t tell when you’re flirting with him.

(Subtly. I’m not an idiot.)

It’s not TECHNICALLY masturbation…

It’s freezing in my office today, and my hands are particularly cold. So I’ve been sitting with my left hand between my thighs while my right hand works the mouse (not a euphemism).

But I AM also bopping along to shitty pop music. With my hand between my legs.

I am a professional.

Also, though…I’m not gonna lie, it doesn’t feel BAD. But it’s really just to warm my hands.

Mostly.

Like 80%.

Advantage: Breasts

Because computer dudes are that brand of sexy-hot-smart that makes my software tingle, I’m really not trying to generalize, so…#NotAllNerds.

But it’s always amazing to me what I can get accomplished in my IT department with a tight sweater and a smile. They even let me eat their candy. (Not a euphemism.)

Let the record show I’d get naked with at least one of them, so I’m not JUST using my feminine wiles to get tech support. It’s just a happy bonus.