You said it, not me.

Sooo… You’re saying your plan is a padded room?


Attention-deficit/hypersensitivity disorder

At the end of his first OkCupid message, responding to a particular line in my profile, a man asked, “Why don’t you like Cuddling?”

Um, why don’t YOU like boundaries, fuckface? All the other things I said, you’re gonna start in with some shit right off the top?

I have things to DO, sir. I don’t have time for cuddling (or, in fact, “Cuddling”).

Ahem… See, this is why I don’t actually date, but DO go to therapy.

(In defense of my intimacy issues, what I actually SAID is, “I’m not a big fan of cuddling.” I have ADD, dude — I get bored.)

Dry, Eagles, Dryyy

I MAY have been OkCupid ghosted because I told the guy I didn’t watch the Eagles playoff game last weekend.

Which, you know…that’s fine. Enjoy waiting for the Eagles to wet your dick.

Live by the Golden Rule…unless it’s funny not to.

I am generally against sharing OkCupid usernames and photos, and I try not to do it, and whenever I do, I always feel bad, because I wouldn’t want anyone sharing MINE.

That said… I’m not even sure what to make of this combination of things, but it amused me.

Possibly because this is MOST DEFINITELY what Jesus would do?

Discounted snacks v. discounted dating

It probably speaks volumes about my romantic future that today I received email coupons from both OkCupid and Grubhub, and deleted the OKC one without reading it, but hopped on that Grubhub shit like white on rice. (Especially since I used it to order Indian food, so literal white rice is forthcoming. As is my true soulmate, paneer.)

Oh, good. I didn’t doom humanity.

This guy wrote me back, so don’t worry, my dating preferences didn’t just doom the future. (Not that the future’s lookin’ all that rosy, anyway, but at least *I* didn’t break it by hitting on a Muppet enthusiast.)

Kermit Kismet

About an hour ago I sent a guy a first OkCupid message, and this is one of those times I feel like, if he doesn’t write back, he’s just screwing up the natural order of things.

Like, “Hi. You’re cute, and your profile pic is you with a Kermit on your shoulder. We have to at least be friends. Like, NOW. Write me back before some ‘Butterfly Effect’ shit happens.”