In this issue: 10 new and exciting ways to feel bad about yourself! 

I got this in the mail today and immediately checked to make sure my subscription expires soon, because there is nothing about their redesign that doesn’t make me feel old as fuck.

You get your bullshit font RIGHT the hell off my lawn! *shakes fist* Hmph — YOUTHS!

Hollaback Curls

Pop quiz: I’m getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. At what age do we think dyeing it pink looks a little midlife-crisis-y?

A. Pink?! Who are you, late-’90s Gwen Stefani? That shit is pass√©. (And quite possibly also bananas.)
B. Your age (41). It becomes sad at your age.
C. Wow, your mother really fucked you up about age as a limitation, didn’t she?
D. I mean…it’s your call, but good luck getting that job you applied for.
E. Age doesn’t mean anything, do whatever you want.*
*By the way, this is what I’m doing. If I wake up tomorrow and feel like my hair should be pink, then pink it shall be. I was just curious about perceptions.

Zen and the Art of New Moon Nachos

Note to self: Go to yoga. You like yoga. You need yoga. 

Ahem… I SUPER don’t want to go. It’s “New Moon yoga” at 7:45, but because I am 100 years old, that might as well be midnight. 

Can’t I just welcome the new moon, like, at home in yoga PANTS? 

Besides, the new moon already happened this month, and I honestly don’t even know what a new moon signifies. I know it’s about cycles, so…does it have to do with my period? When you Google “new moon,” “Twilight” movies come up, so fuck the new moon.

How ’bout I just go home and make new moon nachos? Nachos are HELLA zen. I bet I can find all my inner peace with nachos.

Arach-NO-phobia

I just overheard a young female coworker call out loud to a male coworker and have him come to her desk and kill a spider.

1. Really?

2. I understand it’s nice to feel needed, but…spiders? I’ll kill my own spiders, thanks. Can I have a hug, though? That’s what I need men for. (That and dick, but I was trying to keep it classy for once… I just ruined it, didn’t I?)

3. The girl is maybe 25, and she’s adorable. Does that make it cuter? I’m 38 and average-looking, so I have a feeling, if I did that, Dude-Bro would tell me to kill my own fucking spider.

3. Really?