Greetings from my blurry penis!

Got this first message on OkCupid today:

ohhai

My job is actually listed in my profile, but… You know, dude’s clearly busy flexing and blurring his penis. I can’t also expect him to read. Ain’t no blood in that brain.

I’m also, like…99% sure this is fake.

But hey, I’m sexy, hot, beautiful, AND pretty — I think he hit all four perfunctory tryna-get-laid compliment food groups there!

Too well-hung for me to hang

OkCupid shows you who’s looked at your profile. A 24-year-old dude just looked at mine, and his profile photo is of his hand holding his naked, sizable, penis. 

Not really sure what it says about me that I’m less offended by unsolicited naked dick than I am by the dirt under his fingernails or the mess in the room behind him.

I alternate thinking he’s ruined a delightful discovery the first time I unzip his pants and unfurl this thing, vs. really appreciating the advance notice about a cock that might actually break me in half.

“Too big! Your dick doesn’t end! Why doesn’t your dick end?”

The State of the Stupid Address

Last night I checked out the profile of a man who lives in Hella Far, NJ, but didn’t say anything, ’cause…Hella Far. Plus I just wasn’t interested.

But OkCupid shows you who’s viewed your profile, so today he looked at mine, then sent this message: “You seem very cool, but you are quite far away…ideas??”

Well, um… My idea was to not talk to you. That seemed like a solid solution. But OK, cool — BRB, have to go change geography or build a teleporter.

Of Mice and Man Voice

My OkCupid profile says I’m looking for someone smarter than I am, and when the site asks what I’m “really good at,” one of my answers is “aural fixation (man voices are the BEST).”

Today I got a first message that included: “I am not smarter, as you say you often prefer, and don’t have a man voice, but you sound like a good person I’d like to talk to anyway.”

1. I don’t “often prefer,” I always prefer — everyone I know is smarter than I am, so I’m pretty much constantly learning. But why would you assume, let alone lead with, not being not smarter than I am? I clicked his profile, he seemed fine. How does he know I didn’t blow my entire intellectual load setting up that profile and then wander away to have George tell me about the rabbits? (<– I’m going to hell for that.)

2. OMFG, I love man voices. My friends wonder why I end up having phone sex so often before I meet these guys — I don’t mean to. But I get all squirmy hearing man voice and one thing leads to another and all my blood rushes downward and then my hand decides to investigate and then the guy hears a catch in my voice and then he gets on board and then it’s all the entire hell over.

…Shut UP. I’m gonna bring phone sex back! (I am not. No one is.)

This sounds like a job for Captain Subtext!

Seen in a man’s OkCupid profile:

First, “I love a girl that likes to dress up and wear heels. And is open minded.”

Later, “Must wear heels.”

So let me see if I’m reading between these lines accurately: You’re looking for a woman who’ll leave her heels on while y’all have rough sex? Maybe she’ll also leave on her nice dress, which she deliberately wore without panties so you’d spend the whole date imagining how easily you could just bend her over the nearest surface and go to town on her?

*shrug* Aight. I’m down.