Nope, you ruined it.

I saw a guy on Bumble I might like to get to know better, but his profile said “SB/SD welcome.”

I am An Old and had NO idea what that meant. So I Googled it at work, which is how you should always learn about something you’ve never heard of that’s pretty likely to be some freaky sex shit.

Not REALLY, but turns out it’s “sugar baby/sugar daddy,” and…ew.

Dude, I just wanna fuck you — why you gotta make it weird?

The only way I need YOU to pamper me is by going down on me for a respectable length of time. I can handle my own…spa treatments or jewelry or whatever the hell.

Plus, I think I’m too old to be a “sugar baby.” I threw up in my mouth a bit just typing it. 🤢

Be kind, remind.

Yessir. “Kindness” is *absolutely* the primary take-home message in your dating profile.

I’m no geography buff, buuut…

Sorry, man. I can’t date anyone who doesn’t know where they live.

I think what you’re looking for in a username is “NotPhillyNotEvenTheSameState,” but I guess I can see where that would get unwieldy.

Bumble Fumble

So what do we think the odds are that VincenT misspelled his own name?

“Your Honor, please allow me to explain…”

I mean…we gotta kill this guy, right? I don’t WANT to, but I’m not really seeing any alternative.

SWM seeks unicorn

1. This Match profile has SO many layers of weird.

2. Can’t imagine why dude is divorced.

I am nothing if not formal and proper…

BRB, changing all my dating profile pics…

“That’s what relationships are all about, Charlie Brown.”

There’s something so gross about dating profiles in which men say they want to spoil their girlfriends. Or even better, “spoil my lady.” 🤢

Fuck you, dude, I can spoil my damn self. I need YOU to go down on me and do the dishes.

Lady on the street but a freak in the bed

This seems like a whole lotta words in an online dating profile when you could just SAY “willing to try butt stuff.”

Single white female seeks mythological creature

Therapist: “So what made you want to write back to this particular man on the dating site?”

Me: “I don’t know… I mean, like you said, I have to start SOMEWHERE. And he seems nice, and fairly literate, and he’s tall with pretty good teeth.”

Therapist: “OK, good! I mean, maybe we’ll work on getting you some higher standards, but —“

Me: “Oh, no, you don’t understand. I know YOU look for women on the apps, but those qualifications for MEN? I might as well be seeking a unicorn.”