You get NO stars, dickhole.

I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.

 

Semi-approval from a porn fiend’s semi

From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don’t read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.

“Not bad for a chubby chick,” says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother’s basement.

If I ever write a book, I want “Not bad for a chubby chick” to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually…yeah, that’ll be the title.

If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: “Yeah, I got a gut — there’s some good pussy under this gut.” Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?

* Kidding — my day can’t really be ruined by people who comment on porn.

My inadvertent foray into online porn.

So. Over the weekend, I found out a married male Facebook acquaintance had taken one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos without my consent and used it as his profile pic on a porn site. It’s likely been there at least since February. His soon-to-be-ex-wife called to tell me.

Two things:
1. I haven’t been my most demure in the past year. So I was frankly relieved it was just a photo of me in a tank top rather than, say, the photo of my naked back down to the curve of my hip I’d sent to New Lad, or similar pics I’ve sent to others that could’ve made it online. (I’m the first to admit my judgment hasn’t been great this year as far as sexting.)

2. Other friends are involved in worse aspects of this story, so I know I’m overreacting, and that this feeling will pass. But for now… I rarely feel dirty in a BAD way, and I can’t say I’m a fan. When some random dude scanned my body up and down at the coffee shop today, I wanted to crawl into some oversized sweats and hide.

Bonus: I don’t know if my Porn Pal resized my photo just to fit the site’s parameters, or to make me look thinner, but it was definitely stretched. So it’s possible I’m too fat for porn fiends. SUPER.