G’day, Mrs. Robinson 

In an email titled “Goddamn whippersnapper,” a friend sent me this Buzzfeed article, and I need someone to make this guy NOT 20. He can’t be 20. He doesn’t look 20. That is massively unfair, as is this lady boner I have for him. 

 I am a goddamn dirty old lady. I could have babysat him. I could not, legally*, get him drunk enough to fuck me, because you know he only bangs other 20-year-old supermodels and, in his eyes, I might as well be that vat of fat Oprah wheeled out in the wagon that time, a reference this guy WOULD NOT GET BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING TWENTY. Twen-TY.

My vagina doesn’t seem to care about any of this information. I’ll be in my bunk.

*The friend points out that I COULD legally get him drunk enough to fuck me in his home country, so now I’m looking into flights to Australia, as well as the safest ways to approach and cuddle koalas, and the going rate for a keg of Foster’s. (Note to self: Rent Crocodile Dundee. I bet he’s never seen THAT, either. I have so much to teach him, you guys. First and fore[play]most: how appreciative middle-aged women can be when you go down on them.)

“C is for Coitus. That’s good enough for me.”

Friend: “Sesame Street has an O Show. O is Oprah and she’s giving out oboes. ‘You get an oboe! You get an oboe!'”

Me: “This went to a place in my brain that is inappropriate for Sesame Street. But on the pervy shady side streets? You get an O-face.”

Friend: “You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm!”

You guys… Gross, can you imagine?

Maybe that’s why Guy was so Smiley.

“And doggone it, people like me.”

I emailed a friend basically to say I felt gross, and not as pretty as another woman we both know. (Which is absurd, but we all have our bad days. And I’m cute, but homegirl is STUNNING.)

Anyway. This is part of my friend’s response, and I found it funny enough to share with you all. I shall bear* it in mind as I remind myself embrace my cute. IMG_1203.PNG*Get it? Bear? Wokka wokka! <– I'd apologize for how terrible that was, but I will never apologize for Muppet humor.