I have a Bumble crush on a chef, and it just occurred to me that dating a chef would be a very efficient one-stop shop for all the things I need in my body.
He’d be a timesaver, really.
This is some “4-Day Workweek” shit, right here…
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Tag Archives: oral sex
I am somehow equally hungry and turned on.
I volunteer as tribute!
I am 100% willing to take part in a study on this.
For SCIENCE, of course.
What about “blow-me”-friendly makeup?
*cough* blow me *cough*
“That’s what relationships are all about, Charlie Brown.”
There’s something so gross about dating profiles in which men say they want to spoil their girlfriends. Or even better, “spoil my lady.” 🤢
Fuck you, dude, I can spoil my damn self. I need YOU to go down on me and do the dishes.
To all the men I’ve blown before…
I’m not sure how I continue to be surprised at the appalling things my family will like and share on Facebook.
My father just shared a fucking Monica Lewinsky joke about all this Nike ad nonsense, and here’s what really chaps my ass — the joke wasn’t even FUNNY. (“Believe in something, even if it means swallowing everything. Just do it.” HA HA HA HA, OH WAIT, NO, that is actually a shitty joke.)
Dad, you and I are about to have a conversation about all the miscellaneous dicks I had in MY mouth at age 22, and how maybe I’d love to not be judged for it decades later and pulled into TOTALLY UNRELATED ISSUES, because the dudes were complete morons. I didn’t even have the self-esteem to AIM for the president — I was jocking my manager at a Blockbuster Video in Jersey, getting finger-banged in the candy closet. (To this day, if I see a box of Sno-Caps, I get MOIST.)
Also, just…fucking EW! I’m your daughter, and you have nieces and grandchildren! I know you’re a dude and all, but CHRIST!
It’s possible I need to lay off Facebook for a while. Or just mute my own goddamn father. Again.
Come like no one’s watching.
Bwah ha ha… “Stop performing. Stop acting. You’re no actress. You work in Accounts Payable.”
Via Very Smart Brothas: Ask Agatha: I Can’t Orgasm During Sex. What Should I Do?
In this case, Tragedy + Time = Still Tragic
🙂😀😆😂🤣😯😦😭😭😭
Via Reductress: How to Wrap Your Pussy in Foil and Put It In The Fridge Since No One’s Eating It.
A watched iPhone never beeps with a text that saves your faith in humanity.
Having given this some thought, and having STILL not heard from this guy…
I had sex with a person I liked, and who, at the time, I honestly thought liked me. Not LOVED me, not falling for me, but like…we could be friends.
THEN he started fading away. We haven’t had sex since.
So, that’s not this guy keeping me around to get his dick wet, not any reason for me to feel slutty. That’s a relationship that started, was fine for a few weeks, then…ended? I guess? It’d be SUPER great to be sure of that. I don’t think I’ll be convinced until we get to the weekend and he’s still radio silent. (We had tentative plans.)
I WILL actually be hurt if he just ghosted. Not BADLY, but I slept with him because I thought we were at least THAT cool. Like, hey, I swallowed your semen — show some goddamn respect.
But I can handle “ghosting;” I’ve been on the other side of that. Nice person, fine in bed, but just not for me, but I’m a little bitch who can’t just say that, hence the fadeaway.*
That helps.
*For the record, though, it DOES feel shitty and I’ve tried to learn to be a goddamn grownup and tell people. It sucks, but it’s not THAT bad. Tell people. Don’t be a dick.
Harry Potter and the Order of Dick Wizards
During a text conversation evaluating the things we like best about being naked together, New Person told me I’m “a wizard with [my] tongue.”
So…yeah. Sending in my Hogwarts application today.
Also: “Weeeeee are the champions, my friiieeeennnnnds…”
P.S. Don’t care if he’s exaggerating to feed my ego. I am a Dick Wizard.
Smug Singleton 