Fat-phobic or fat fetishist?

I woke up to a photo-less OkCupid guy’s FIRST message to me:

“Hey…Would you be willing to gain a little weight to please your man if you were in a committed relationship?
— Steve”

Well, Steve. First off, thanks for the flashback to that “Family Guy” episode where Peter stuffs cake down Lois’s gullet because he decides “fat sex is the hottest sex.”

But also, my OKC profile includes photos of my already-weighing-quite-enough body, because men love asking if “curvy” is code for “obese,” so I like to just get my mere “overweight” out there up-front.

So I can’t decide if Steve wants me bigger than I am because he wants more to love? Or maybe he wants me to say obesity is disgusting and that I am a superior, health-minded individual who would never fall prey to The Fats?

I have so many questions, Steve.

Cize it up, size me down.

I had a screening at work for insurance discounts, and I got 3 out of 4 of the available discounts — I am too fat to get the one for healthy BMI. BMI is a bunch of bullshit, but OK — mine is high, qualifying me as “overweight.”

1. Fuck you, I’m adorable. In the words of Cher Horowitz, I’m “like one of those Botticelli chicks.” (But certainly NOT a Monet.)
2. HOWEVER…it’s getting cooler and I can’t just keep wearing summer dresses and ignoring the fact that none of my pants fit.
3. I don’t necessarily care that I’m size 14; I just care that all the clothes I own are a 12. I’ll be goddamned if I’m getting dicked out of an insurance discount AND have to spend money on larger clothes.
4. Maybe I’m wasting money on therapy when all I need to do to fix a “mood disorder not otherwise specified” is have some at-home therapy with Shaun T​. (It’s not, but it can’t hurt.) (Also, mmm, Shaun T…)

I’ve resolved this here before, so if I don’t report back soon that I am once again partying in my pants, I’m going to post my address here and one of y’all has to come bust my kneecaps. Deal? Excellent. Glad we had this talk.(As a bonus, if you break my kneecaps, I can’t work out. See what I did there?)

P.S. This is going to blow numerous goats, because the weather is changing and pretty much all I want to eat is lasagna. I’m basically Garfield from November through March.