Parents shouldn’t have Facebook.

My parents have a habit of making my mundane Facebook posts SUPER weird, so I texted my friends about one post, like, “The fuck? They’re weird, right?” And then…

I’m just saying, my standards are skewed.

Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”

Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”

Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?

(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂

Cognitive But-Seriously-What-the-Fuck Therapy

I hate when I have a fairly non-eventful therapy session, and then less than 24 hours later something dumb happens with my family and I’m like, “Ooh… Well, I am ready to unpack ALL of this right now. Can I schedule a bonus session? Erm…actually, can we make a double?”

Profane in the membrane

My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”

Well, first off, fuck you.

But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!

Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.

Just sharing this for no reason at all whatsoever…

Via Reductress: Father’s Day Gifts that Say, ‘You’re the Reason Why I Don’t Trust Men’

Well, at least there’s that.

Quotable therapist: “I promise, you don’t hit menopause and automatically become a Republican.”

You heard it here, folks.

#science

Mo’ mommy, mo’ problems.

Bwah ha ha… “Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine.”

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• “That’s a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt.”
• “This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!”
• “If you were going to have kids with anyone, I’d want you to have them with [Ex], because he’s smart.” (<– That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y’all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

Bare butts and blasphemy

My parents just showed up for an unannounced visit. They haven’t seen any of the places I’ve lived in for probably 10 years — we are not an “unannounced visit” kind of family.

This may be the only time in my life I’ve ever regretted not being into elaborate S&M scenarios with randos I meet on Tinder.

“Oh, hey, Parents! This is Ben and that’s Kyle. That’s Steve over there in the swing, and that’s Todd in the corner — he just likes to watch. Check this out, I got these fuzzy cuffs special for Handcuff Sunday. What, you guys do Saturdays? Yeah, we like the bonus blasphemy of the Lord’s day. It really adds something, right, Todd?”

Dude. It’s my day off. I’m wearing pajama pants with no underwear and haven’t brushed my teeth yet.

But hey, thanks for presuming I’d be home alone — much appreciated. (Yes, I AM, but I’m not always! Give me some credit!)

Hi, Mom!

Turning into my Mother, Lesson 643: Whine about your feelings so much and so often that people grow weary and distance themselves from you.

A Father’s Day gift.

During my last relationship, my dad asked three times when we were going to give him some grandchildren.

The first two times, I didn’t want to be rude, so I just gave the generic answer: “When we’re married, have a house,” etc.

The third time, I said, “Dad, do you realize how gross it is to ask your daughter when she’s going to start having unprotected sex?”

Aaaand that was the last time I got that question.

Happy Father’s Day!