This is madness, but…dicks…

OkCupid disabled the feature where you can see who’s viewed your profile.

At first I was pissed, because hey, dude looks at me, I go look at dude (or vice versa), maybe we start a conversation.

But now I have to just, like… TALK to them if I want them to see me?! Fuck that, that’s madness.

HOWEVER. For the dudes who have photos of their fine-ass half-dressed bodies as profile pics, now I can check out their junk and not have to worry about them messaging me all, “Hey, I noticed you checked out my junk.”

So… There’s that. Junk ahoy, y’all!

Putting the “me” in “meme”

I’m sure you’ve seen quite enough of this on your Facebook feeds this week, so I hate to add to the bullshit. But the combination of characters I thought of made me laugh.

“Describe yourself in three fictional characters…”

BeFunky Collage.jpg

I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

They said “no photos” at the booksigning yesterday, but, I mean… CLEARLY they just meant flash photos, not my shitty, stealth, zoom-lens-through-people’s-heads iPhone 4S ones. Ahem…

#scofflaw #IHave60FollowersNoOneCares schumer1.jpg

“Tall & Fit,” meet “Short & Fat.”

First OkCupid message from a photo-less man who, based on his username, is named Bobby. (Yep, grown-ass man. 43. “Bobby.”)

“So a little about me. I had to take my pics down bc a former student (I’m a teacher) started messaging me on here and it freaked me out. I’m taller than you (6’3) in good shape (190lbs) have a shaved head and big blue eyes.”

That’s the whole message.

Um… OK… Is there something there I’m supposed to respond to? Besides your lack of face? ‘Cause you could have THREE big blue eyes. Your head could be shaved because you’re in the Klan. Maybe “good shape” means you can run a 7-minute mile but your body is covered in boils.

It’d be like if I said, “I don’t have photos, but I’m shorter than you (5 feet), about 160 lbs, with pink-streaked blonde hair and green eyes.”

See how that doesn’t paint the clearest picture? Maybe my weight is all back-fat. Maybe I have no eyebrows, and/or a big hairy mole shaped like Bosnia on my chin.

Photos, people. I showed you mine, you show me yours.

Slow down, there, Quick Draw…

Entirety of first OkCupid message: “Great smile”

I’m not answering, because it’s not worth engaging an idiot in Delaware who’s wearing Hammer pants in his profile photo. But when you view my profile and send a generic message within the same minute — which OKC shows me — I can tell the only thought you’ve put into your correspondence is looking at my photo and deciding I’d be an acceptable specimen to wet your dick.

And that’s fine. It’s a dating site. People want their dick wet. And I do often enjoy helping them achieve their goals. And I definitely look at men’s photos to determine whether their faces would look good between my thighs.

At the same time, though? Fuck you a little. I at least read profiles first to be sure I’m not coming on to anyone who’s not worthy of me coming on.