“Tall & Fit,” meet “Short & Fat.”

First OkCupid message from a photo-less man who, based on his username, is named Bobby. (Yep, grown-ass man. 43. “Bobby.”)

“So a little about me. I had to take my pics down bc a former student (I’m a teacher) started messaging me on here and it freaked me out. I’m taller than you (6’3) in good shape (190lbs) have a shaved head and big blue eyes.”

That’s the whole message.

Um… OK… Is there something there I’m supposed to respond to? Besides your lack of face? ‘Cause you could have THREE big blue eyes. Your head could be shaved because you’re in the Klan. Maybe “good shape” means you can run a 7-minute mile but your body is covered in boils.

It’d be like if I said, “I don’t have photos, but I’m shorter than you (5 feet), about 160 lbs, with pink-streaked blonde hair and green eyes.”

See how that doesn’t paint the clearest picture? Maybe my weight is all back-fat. Maybe I have no eyebrows, and/or a big hairy mole shaped like Bosnia on my chin.

Photos, people. I showed you mine, you show me yours.

Slow down, there, Quick Draw…

Entirety of first OkCupid message: “Great smile”

I’m not answering, because it’s not worth engaging an idiot in Delaware who’s wearing Hammer pants in his profile photo. But when you view my profile and send a generic message within the same minute — which OKC shows me — I can tell the only thought you’ve put into your correspondence is looking at my photo and deciding I’d be an acceptable specimen to wet your dick.

And that’s fine. It’s a dating site. People want their dick wet. And I do often enjoy helping them achieve their goals. And I definitely look at men’s photos to determine whether their faces would look good between my thighs.

At the same time, though? Fuck you a little. I at least read profiles first to be sure I’m not coming on to anyone who’s not worthy of me coming on.

Family, Food, Facebook, Fat, Fuck.

I had written all this high and mighty shit about feeling bad for my mom, because she’s so worried about her weight that she deprives herself of delicious food. I prattled on about how I was glad I let myself enjoy food, because pfft, I’m clearly SO above those outdated ideas, and fuck it, we only get one trip through here, so we might as well have cake.

Aaand then my brother Facebook-tagged me in some party pics from the other night, and you know those weight-loss ads where the women are all, “I saw myself in a photo and realized I am a giant fuckoff hambeast?” Yeahhh… I’m gonna have to rebuild some of that body confidence I’d been having.

Cameras lie, though. They are tricksy and false. Basically wizards. Shifty wizards, in cahoots with angles and lighting. That’s right, I said it — cahoots.

Still, maybe some exercise is in order. We all know I’ll do whatever Shaun T tells me to.

No kale, though.

Fuck kale.

I need to see your face before I sit on it.

I didn’t respond to a first OkCupid message I got yesterday, because the guy’s only photo was of his calves and feet in the sand. My profile clearly says I won’t talk to anyone who doesn’t have a face photo, because…it’s DATING. Faces are important. And he’d obviously paid attention to my profile, at least enough that his message referenced both my subtle jokes about cunnilingus. (Don’t judge me, that’s one of the only reasons I’m dating.)

He just sent a followup message: “Really, i get no response…i thought i was witty and charming. Oh well, take care.”

Ahem.

1. I don’t owe you anything.
2. Your passive aggression is not cute.
3. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since your first message. Even if I thought you WERE witty and charming (I didn’t), you wouldn’t have a response yet. I have shit to do. (Reformed Clinger Technique #347.)
4. I can’t know if I want your face between my legs if I don’t know what your face looks like.

I don’t understand this. You know I’ll SEE your face eventually, right? Would you rather we get to know each other via email/text, and then I’ll finally see your face and be like, “Um, no, sorry, that face doesn’t work for me.”

It’s online dating, Cyrano. Hooray for your beautiful soul and all, but I’m never gonna sit on your soul, so I need to see your face.

…OK, fine, I’m not going to sit on his face, either, because I have issues and think I’m going to hurt/smother the guy somehow, even though I know that’s absurd. Regardless, faces still matter.

I’ve been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie… of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: “You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much.”

I’m confused. Why would I think you didn’t mean it?  Of course you meant it — you’re trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, “You’re hideous and make my dick soft.”

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute — that’s why they’re my photos.

Your naked body isn’t bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can’t know if I’ll want to kiss your dick if I can’t tell if I’d kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I’m a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I’ll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus — dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

A man with no face validates mine.

First OkCupid message: “Hi smug, how r u? U r so gorgeous”

Well, look at you, answering your own question! I’m “so gorgeous,” is how I am. See, you don’t need me! You just need to believe in yourself! Good for youuuuu!

He has no photos, and as a general policy I don’t reply to men with no face. You’re on a dating site. If you’re too dumb to know your face might be important, too lazy to upload at least ONE photo (or to type two the extra letters to make REAL words), and so selfish that you’re clearly talking to me on the basis of MY photos because “gorgeous” is all you had to say…

*deep breath*

No.

Judge not, lest ye be an asshole

One of my OkCupid photos was taken in a pin-up-inspired boutique I went to with friends. I tried on a dress that fit better than any glove, accentuated all my best bits, and looked STUPID-good. But I couldn’t rationalize spending $130 on it, so I asked my friends take a photo.

I added the pic to OKC, captioned: “Taken in a fitting room. I didn’t buy the dress. Because I am an idiot.”

Today I get a first OKC message from a guy saying, “Yes you should have bought that dress…” That’s the whole message.

I go to his profile, because he’s attractive enough, and his FIRST sentence is, “Only thing that seems to matter is how one looks on here.”

Oh, OK, so you’re saying you don’t like being judged only on appearance? So despite my completely-filled-in profile with many non-appearance-related conversation starters, you went with…commenting only on my appearance?

You do that math, dearie. I’ll wait…

And dammit, I SHOULD have bought that dress. I can’t even believe that’s my body — I am cute as fuck.

P.S. He sent a followup message 20 minutes later, saying, “That was a compliment. .. you’re gorgeous. … ”

Um, I KNOW it was a compliment, or at least I know that’s what you were going for. Do you think I’m too pretty to know how words work? Do I owe you a “thank you?” Go fuck yourself with your ellipses, and why the SHIT are you ALSO using periods? That’s not how any of this works!

*pant* *pant* *pant*

…Ahem. What mood swing?

Mirror mirror…

I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.

I have questions.

First, don’t you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can’t get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I’m a lady, dammit. Plus it’ll turn into that “Big Bang Theory” episode where Sheldon can’t sleep because Penny’s apartment is messy: “I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is…THIS!” And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.

Second, don’t you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I’d have a really recent pic. The caption says: “With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work.” (Not at all true — after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I’ll never let any of these dudes see that.)

Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it’s like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick — the same face in various settings. “Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That’s right, ladies… Behold.”

Popular. I’m gonna be pop-uuu-lar…

I filled out the wordy bits of the OkCupid profile first, no photos.

When I added pics, in the 10 minutes it took to arrange them, I got something like 18 “likes.”

Pfft. I’m adorable.

P.S. A half hour later, four intro messages, one from a faceless stranger who called me “beautiful” and added “take it anyway you want.”

#BasicallyGisele

Is there another way I could take “beautiful?” Do I have less of a command on English than I give myself credit for? I guess it could mean, “I want to put my parts in your parts, and I assume calling you ‘beautiful’ will help. I smell the needy.” Oh, wait! Did you mean I should take your dick “anyway” I want? Yeah, that’s how I’m gonna interpret that.

P.P.S. The end of my self-summary: “I don’t take this site seriously enough to pay for it, so if you ‘liked’ my profile, I can’t see it, sorry! (But at least I’ll be able to tell who actually reads the profile and who’s just hot for impish eyes on a bottle-blonde.)”