I’m conscientiously objecting to Thanksgiving dinner with my family this year, in favor of sleeping in, not driving, and avoiding small talk, and now having an irresponsible quantity of Indian food delivered and getting ready to scare myself shitless by watching Ma in the dark.
It is easily one of my top 5 best mental health choices of the year.
I hope you’re all having an equally wondrous and self-determined holiday, and if you’re not, I hope there’s alcohol and pie.
❤️
Merry Christmas, you magnificent weirdos. I am grateful for you all.
And also for pie.
And Paxil.
And wine. SO much wine.
But mostly for you all, I swear.
Breakfast: Coffee, antidepressants, apple pie.
‘MURRICA! (Fuck, yeah!) 🇺🇸
Guys. Guys. Help. I’m having a seizure. Send pie. (Pie helps seizures, right? That’s medicine?)
For context, my OkCupid profile does reference axe murderers and a dress I should’ve bought. What? What do YOU say to prospective suitors?
First message:
“Hi Smug! I’m Bill. Just wanted to Drop a little Hello read your Profile you sound like a Sweetheart. I wanted to tell you I’m Not a Axe Murderer lol. Love your Music taste Especially the Country thing gotta Love It!!!! Your Photos, Yes you should have bought the Dress you look Really Good in it! Go back and Buy it you look Confident and Proud. Hope your having a Good day if you’d like to say hello Please feel free I’d love to Chat. Enjoy the Rest of your Day!!!! Thanks for your time!!!!!!
Bill”
What in the name of the actual fuck?
This is what I get for liking country music, isn’t it?
Field trip to NYC to see my boyfriend! ❤️ 
His guest is Bryan Cranston, so it’s basically my first three-way. Shit’s about to get real, people.
Bryan Cranston’s hot snuck up on me post-“Breaking Bad.” He’s super cute when he’s not making meth, and SO funny in that quick, smart way that melts my draw’s.
I want to love him forever, despite his tighty-Walter-Whities. (<– Yep. Whole post pretty much entirely so I could make that joke.)
Also, all I can see is “Colbert” and “pie,” which is pretty much the dream.
#SmugTakesManhattan
A friend of mine works at a sex shop, which sometimes leads to entertaining email conversations:
Friend #1: “I am so sick of people coming in looking for a lube that ‘turns her on right away’ or a lube for oral sex. It’s your job to turn her on. She’s not a car, it’s going to take time and effort. Do it right and stop being a schmuck and I bet she’ll be ready and willing. As for oral sex, dick is an acquired taste — acquire the taste. Same goes for pussy. Flavored lube is gross. Grow up and deal with it. I don’t know what you’re asking me for when you talk about a ‘cream for oral sex.’ Do you mean whipped cream? That’s in your local grocery store. Otherwise…I’m clueless.”
Friend #2: “Maybe they mean an edible, relatively pleasant tasting lube? That kind of makes sense, for finishing a handjob or switching from a toy to some oral. But to mask the taste of dick? I don’t know…Include some ice cream or fro-yo — a treat for both of you. But it’s still going to taste like dick. And lube that ‘turns women on?’ That’s called not being a jackass.”
Me: “I read this and genuinely didn’t know what to say, because I was so confused as to how people can be that dumb but still free to procreate. I just…I got nothin’. I won’t even eat flavored Cheerios, so making a guy’s dick taste like pie is really not going to improve the experience, which, by the way, is ALREADY MAGNIFICENT.”
The last person I was super into just had to LOOK at me right and I was wetter than a log flume at Six Flags — I would’ve let that man do anything to me, and he would’ve been damn happy with the mutual result. Other people, maybe not so much the immediate log flume, but I’d tell them, or they’d learn, the spots they could hit that turned me from lovely, gracious lady into a willing and extremely able penile vestibule, and we’d use the lube when needed. With the exception of medical problems, this doesn’t need to be THAT big an issue between healthy adults who are able to discuss what works, and who also have Internet access. Figure shit out. Prep your person. Get some lube — not the kind that tastes like Bubble Yum.
Ask not what lube can do for YOU, my friends. Ask what you can do for lube.
Screw it, you guys — I am also running for president.
The main focus of my platform will be universal pie and vibrators. In fact, by the end of my first term, I’d like us to have pie-brators. I’m not exactly sure what that would entail, but that’s where your generous funding comes in. Together, we can make the merging of baked goods and sex toys a glorious (if sticky) wave of the future. And gentlemen, I didn’t forget you — check my website to read all about my Fleshlight Freedom Initiative, coming (heh) in 2017.
Other key priorities of my campaign:
Stephen Colbert is Secretary of Everything; Anna Kendrick will be my Ambassador of Stuff.
Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye are the new co-leaders of the EPA.
And Amy Poehler will be my VP. Obviously.
So vote for me, people. With liberty, and punch and pie for all.
Except for Donald Trump and Kanye West. No punch and pie for you. No.
Today, I’m thankful for you guys. And multiple orgasms. And pie. But mostly for you guys. (Ahem. And pie.)
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah. Hell, Happy November 28. Have fun and be safe.
Smug Singleton 