“Drugs, man, capital D, Drugs.”

10:30 a.m. and already the kind of day I’m just going to take whatever pills are in my purse and hope for the best.

(Relax. There’s only Advil, aspirin, and allergy meds. The good shit’s at home.)

Advent-ageous

33 Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Being A Woman

When you force me to navigate a slideshow, I generally want terrible things to happen to you and never find the article worthy of all those clicks.

But then sometimes I almost choke to death on an animal cracker when I snort-laugh, and it makes it all worthwhile:

(Plus, excellent integration of Easy A.)

That time I damned myself to hell before noon.

I asked my mother what I could bring to Christmas dinner, maybe a dessert or wine, and she said, “No worries, we’re all set for food, and we have enough to drink — there’s water and soda and juice.”

Oh. Oh, honey. Is it GIN and juice? Is there grape drank? (That’s what those Sunny D commercials meant by “purple stuff,” let’s be honest.)

See, I can’t get through Christmas with that big fake smile on my face without mixing pills and alcohol, Karen Walker style. Besides, if you read The Bible, you’ll learn Jesus turned water into wine because He WANTED us to be half in the bag on His birthday.

Jesus was a partier. Fact. He didn’t go all in with hats and streamers and all that, because that’s just excess, but He could knock back goblets of His own blood like nobody’s business.

“Hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady…”

I am obsessed with this song — it’s my new Sassy Strut/car singing/Pull Yourself Together song. In addition:

a) Miranda Lambert looks better unkempt than I do when I bring my capital-A game. I need more eye makeup, like, immediately.

b) I’m pretty sure I’ve HAD this conversation with my mother.

c) You can write it off because it’s country music, but it’s a bawdy, curvy, big-haired blonde sangin’ ’bout drankin’, and that there is some of my favorite comfort music. (For obvious reasons.) This song is the twangy, guitar-driven equivalent of “Conceal, don’t feel” — Miranda Lambert is basically Elsa, and you KNOW that movie would’ve been way better with whiskey and pills.

The family that medicates together, stays together.

Dear Pharmaceutical Companies,

If you created a special antidepressant for Family Time, maybe something with quaaludes in it, and insisted it be taken with a shot of Jäger for maximum efficacy, I would ask my doctor if it was right for me, and would gleefully give you all my money.

I suggest calling it Lextrapro, but obviously you already have your own splendid ad strategies, so feel free to Don Draper this shit as you see fit.

Just something to think about while you’re working on more erection pills.

Best,
Smug