Ugh, I KNOW better than this!

A friend of a friend said Elizabeth Warren won’t be the candidate because she’s “crazy” and has “bad eyebrows” and he keeps calling the woman candidates “females” like a shitty Sir-Mix-a-Lot and I’m sorry but I have made a terrible mistake and argued about politics with a stranger on the internet, but also I want this man to get, like, six paper cuts later.

(Also, I don’t even CARE what Bernie OR Molester Uncle Biden look like, but if people can’t be president based merely on appearances and sanity, we wouldn’t have the current president and his caterpillar-ass eyebrows, and you damn sure can’t think Bernie looks calm, cool, and collected. Come the fuck on.)

My needs are simple

I mean… I don’t go to friends’ parties SPECIFICALLY so I can hook up with their friends, but I’m not gonna lie, it does eliminate some of the legwork. Like, OK, I already know you’re not a serial killer or a Trump supporter. Neat. What else ya got?

Aborshun

“I don’t agree with abortion, but then again, I have a penis and think I should probably stay out of it.”
— Dennis Miller

Texas city council unanimously votes to ban abortions

Morning sickness

Sometimes you only need to read half of the headline before you know you’re going to vomit if you read the rest.

Do as I say, not as I fuck.

Wait, I’m sorry — WHOSE administration wants to focus on abstinence?!

 

‘Cause, I mean…Putting aside politics, last I checked, dude’s legacy is NOT gonna be keeping it in his pants.

Via Sex with Timaree: Trump admin announces abstinence-focused overhaul of teen pregnancy program:

To all the men I’ve blown before…

I’m not sure how I continue to be surprised at the appalling things my family will like and share on Facebook.

My father just shared a fucking Monica Lewinsky joke about all this Nike ad nonsense, and here’s what really chaps my ass — the joke wasn’t even FUNNY. (“Believe in something, even if it means swallowing everything. Just do it.” HA HA HA HA, OH WAIT, NO, that is actually a shitty joke.)

Dad, you and I are about to have a conversation about all the miscellaneous dicks I had in MY mouth at age 22, and how maybe I’d love to not be judged for it decades later and pulled into TOTALLY UNRELATED ISSUES, because the dudes were complete morons. I didn’t even have the self-esteem to AIM for the president — I was jocking my manager at a Blockbuster Video in Jersey, getting finger-banged in the candy closet. (To this day, if I see a box of Sno-Caps, I get MOIST.)

Also, just…fucking EW! I’m your daughter, and you have nieces and grandchildren! I know you’re a dude and all, but CHRIST!

It’s possible I need to lay off Facebook for a while. Or just mute my own goddamn father. Again.

Coffee first, then soul crushing

Not today, Satan.

“Naw, man. Naw. Shit, NAW, man! I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ somethin’ like that, man.” 🖕🏼

🍆🍆🍆

Every cloud has a Cheeto-dust lining

On the bright side, I’m no longer self-conscious about being white trash. I am classy as fuck, y’all.