Dispatches from Pope-pocalypse

Email from Male BFF:

“I work in the Pope Zone and the office will be closed Friday. But they’re sealing the mailbox in the building TODAY. If something happens to me, make sure the world knows I loved my family, the Eagles, and ass play.”

My handbasket is lubricated. 

In today’s news: Top 5 places I never thought to put the body of Christ.  

Wait, though…If the guy goes down on me after, is that, like, communion?

Happy Sunday, all. Go shop at Kink after church — they’ll fill you with the Spirit. (Spirit fingers? No, wait…)

P.S. Tee hee — “inbox.”

Worst. Jubilee. Ever. 

So, we all know I’m going to hell, but I read today that the Pope says it’s OK for priests to absolve women of the sin of abortion, but only during Jubilee.

I don’t know what Jubilee is, and I kind of don’t even want to learn, because…Abortion Jubilee? Are you serious? That’s amazing. That could be my band.

I looked up Jubilee and it actually sounds quite lovely. So go forth and abort, ladies. Don’t forget to get your cards punched — remember, pay for 5, get the 6th free, AND you get the t-shirt.*

* I was gonna say “you get the fetus phone, but a) That’s pretty fucked up, and b) The “Sports Illustrated” football phone analogy is a tad dated. (Ahem. Get off my lawn!)