Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”
Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”
Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?
(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂
Top 5 Cars I’m Never Getting Into…
I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…
Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?
Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.
I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”
Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.
Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.
Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.
* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.
#cocky #literally
From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don’t read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.
“Not bad for a chubby chick,” says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother’s basement.
If I ever write a book, I want “Not bad for a chubby chick” to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually…yeah, that’ll be the title.
If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: “Yeah, I got a gut — there’s some good pussy under this gut.” Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?
* Kidding — my day can’t really be ruined by people who comment on porn.
Email to a friend…
Me: “I am juvenile. But damn, there are a lot of jokes here. “
Friend: “I mean, how are you supposed to NOT make jokes at that? They may as well have named the shades ‘John Holmes’ and ‘Ron Jeremy.’ ‘Yeah, rub it on your face, baby.'”
Me: “HA! Aaand THAT is why we’re friends.”
Followup thought: “Gargantuan Golden SHOWERS.” Hey-o!
Sometimes I forget how much porn (erm…”erotica”) I follow on Tumblr until I open the app at work and “OMG, that’s a vagina. Gahhh, shut it down, shut it down!”
See also: wang. Giant, scary, first scene of “Trainwreck” wang.
“Your dick doesn’t end! Why doesn’t your dick end?!”
Hmm… Wasn’t there some burger chain commercial with bikini-clad chicks who probably never ate burgers gyrating on cars and shoving the fast-food equivalents of “big dick” porn into their faces?
Ah. Yes, this covers it quite nicely: Via Jezebel, A History of Disgusting Carl’s Jr. Ads.
So I have a hard time being offended by this. Though I guess “slightly NSFW” in that, perhaps as a general life policy, maybe you shouldn’t have lingerie chicks lolling about on your work computer.
Via SELF magazine: This Body-Positive Lane Bryant Ad Was “Too Sexy” for TV.
Also, let us please continue my possibly-creepy worship of Ashley Graham.
Eeeeewwwwwww!
At the same time…respect…
Via Decider: 
P.S. I saw a link for a porn parody of this over the weekend, but could not bring myself to click to watch Fuller Holes, even under the guise of “research.”
The bad news is, I am sick as fuck.
The good news is, depending on the minute, I either sound like Sick Phoebe singing her sultry version of “Smelly Cat” on Friends, or like I could successfully supplement my income by taking a side gig as a phone sex operator. (Is phone sex even still a thing? Probably not. I’m behind the porn ball. No, wait… Ew… But I could totally bring it back. Like flannel shirts. Porny ones…)
Right. So clearly I should be keeping an eye on my temperature, because delirium is setting in.
Smug Singleton 