So, hey, can we just vote for the president now? Because for once in my life, I’ve had enough foreplay. Just shut up and fuck me, already.
Yup. This. There are a million other things you could joke about. Going after his weight is just lazy. It’s the easy joke when you can’t think of anything intelligent to say, like when I talk shit on the Mets like I know dick about baseball.
And fuck everyone who makes me defend this motherfucker, by the way. It’s like that time I had to write about the dipshits who criticized Snooki’s body “post-baby.” C’mon, man. That’s not the way I prefer to feel dirty.
“And this offends you as a Jewish person?”
“No, it offends me as a comedian!”
Screw it, you guys — I am also running for president.
The main focus of my platform will be universal pie and vibrators. In fact, by the end of my first term, I’d like us to have pie-brators. I’m not exactly sure what that would entail, but that’s where your generous funding comes in. Together, we can make the merging of baked goods and sex toys a glorious (if sticky) wave of the future. And gentlemen, I didn’t forget you — check my website to read all about my Fleshlight Freedom Initiative, coming (heh) in 2017.
Other key priorities of my campaign:
- Very low-dose Xanax in the drinking water. (I promise not to create Reavers.)
- Once-monthly days off for when you just can’t even, and also for when the weather is too nice to go to work.
- Cute bras and clothes available in all sizes.
- Food delivery through your TV, like when the Golden Girls have cheesecake, you can say, “TV, fetch me cheesecake,” and it WILL (see also: The Making “Fetch” Happen Doctrine — we’re gonna do it!)
- Freedom puppies.
- A constitutional amendment banning alarm clocks.
- All establishments that serve coffee shall also deliver it.
- Barnes and Noble stores all get converted to huge, constantly-restocked libraries where you can just take books as you choose and return them if/when you feel like it. (Again, you send me money, I’ll work out the logistics.)
Stephen Colbert is Secretary of Everything; Anna Kendrick will be my Ambassador of Stuff.
Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye are the new co-leaders of the EPA.
And Amy Poehler will be my VP. Obviously.
So vote for me, people. With liberty, and punch and pie for all.
Except for Donald Trump and Kanye West. No punch and pie for you. No.