Hope and bedsprings eternal

There’s a Chris Rock bit where he talks about men talking too damn much and ruining a woman’s desire to fuck them — “You say the wrong thing, them panties are comin’ up mighty fast. A woman wants to fuck you? Shut up, let it happen.”

(I’m QUITE sure this also happens when women talk too much to men — I have most assuredly DONE it, I know my own.)

But I went out tonight to see a friend’s band play at my local townie bar, and immediately wanted to bang one of the singers — hot, glasses, tattoos, super muscle-y arms that could throw me all around… UNF.

But then dude started talking. And during the course of his performance, he said someone had “killed hisself,” and he also dabbled in some light “jokey” homophobia AND as a bonus, mocked his friend for saying something kinda intellectual-like — you know how we hate all that book learnin’.

Also, he swore so much that even *I* was like, “GodDAMN, man. You wanna fuckin’ dial that back?”

So. Alas, tonight was not the night I lured an unsuspecting male back to my lair. But hope springs eternal!

Profane in the membrane

My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”

Well, first off, fuck you.

But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!

Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.

The politics of sexual slang

Google News: Keepin’ it classy since…well, about an hour ago, apparently:
Screen Shot 2016-09-14 at 3.11.10 PM.png

But I question Powell’s word choice. I know he’s probably not up on the latest locker room slang, but I’ve literally never heard anyone say they were “dicking” someone. I’ve said I was “dicking around,” meaning procrastinating or wasting time. But when it comes (heh) to sex, you’re fucking someone. Screwing. Banging. Nailing.

Here, wait… George Carlin can cover it more thoroughly: “Fuck, screw, lay, diddle, push, plow, hump, cut, bang, poke, batter, wham, beef injection, vitamin F, knock up, put out, dip your wick, hide the salami, laying pipe, polishing your rocket, squattin’ on the hawg, getting your pole varnished, a quickie, a nooner, a matinee, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, get your rocks off, bananas and cream, piece of ass, nookie, poontang.”

What the fucking fuck, man?

I know I’m a half-ass “lady” at best, but…

A man in my office, who’s old enough to be my father, was just making small talk with me, and he said, “I have jury duty next week. What a pain in the ass, I have to take the fuckin’ train in…”WHOA. Watch your fucking mouth, motherfucker! This is a fucking place of business, and I am a fucking LADY!

Do you, like, smell the hoodrat on me? Is there something about my face that makes you think this is acceptable? It’s not even that I’m a woman — it’s just bad manners, and you KNOW you have bad manners if I’M the one pointing it out. But also… yes, as long as wage gaps and thigh gaps are things I’m just expected to deal with, I do expect a base level of civility and etiquette until you get the all-clear that I’m cool with that kind of rapport, especially at work, especially when you’re a grown-ass man, shitdick.

(I had a similar reaction when a 21-year-old female assistant used “fuck” during our second at-work conversation. BITCH, I am old enough to be your mother, and I will knock the “fuck” right out of your FACE.)

Calling it like you C-word it. 

Friend: “Ugh, this woman… The word that comes to mind is ‘cuntrag,’ but then I feel bad.”

Me: “Don’t feel bad. You’re pretty well educated, so I don’t think you just arrived casually at ‘cuntrag.’ Your brain assessed the situation and that’s the word it deemed appropriate. The cuntrag had it coming.”

Supreme Court profanity & fashion

Emailing with friends…

Friend 1: “I was just thinking about how Scalia claims he doesn’t know any ladies who know foul language. I would like for an all-women chorus to go caroling at his house and sing the old South Park hymnal ‘Shut Your Fucking Face, Unclefucker.'”

Friend 2: “I like to think Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a terrible potty mouth and says ‘fuck’ an awful lot.”

Me: “She totally does. And under her robe she wears a saucy red dress.”

Friend 1: “I love you guys.”