Greetings from the Drakkar Vortex.

In a fog of a male coworker’s cologne this morning at work, I am reminded of how much I adore and completely get off on the smell of a man just out of the shower. Maybe wearing deodorant, if you had time to put it on before I grabbed you and had my way with you.

Gentlemen. You smell amazing. Ease back on the Axe. Those commercials lie — I can’t get it up for you if I feel like someone punched me in the chest. I’m not one to science, but I don’t think that’s how pheromones work.

Can’t close the deal, can’t open my legs.

I’m growing a little weary of having to tell grown-ass men to use their words.

Gentlemen, this is not cute. You’re trying to get a date, not nuclear secrets. If I didn’t want you to ask, I wouldn’t have said I was free. But you actually have to ask, not just pussyfoot around. Don’t establish we’re both available and then stop talking and make ME take the next step.

I should have held out to see how long it would take him to ask an actual question. I waited about half an hour to see if there’d be a followup text. No dice.

Yes, I’m a modern woman, but goddamn, come correct. Pitch some woo. What you’re doing is worse than a seventh-grader asking a girl to a dance using a “yes or no?” note — at least that’s an answerable question.

Vaginal Psychic Friends Network

PSA: When you begin a conversation by texting to say “that warm sensation” I feel on my nether regions is you thinking about them, I know you’re trying to turn me on. But it sounds like you’re implying burning, as if my vagina needs assistance from that Very Special Section at CVS. And now you’ve triggered my brain, not my ladyparts.

I don’t know how other women work, but I don’t feel warmth there when I’m turned on — it’s more like a tingle, almost a tickle, and then tension, an aching for something that should be there but isn’t. It might be warm if I actually touched it, but as far as my vagina’s clairvoyance in feeling you thinking about it, that’s not warmth.

Maybe it’s just that it was the first text of the day, and came (heh) while I was working on something, so maybe my mind wasn’t on my (apparently molten?) genitalia.

Plus it was around 30 degrees this morning, so every part of me is swathed in fleece — ain’t no warmth here. My vagina is probably like the world’s greatest Popsicle right now.

Also…um… It’s not a turn-on to see you overestimate your effect on me. It’s adorable, don’t get me wrong. But not a turn-on. We’re not there yet, Fonzie. Step away from the shark.

PSA: Enough with Emoticons, Already

People? This…?

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

…is not a response. To anything. It’s not even a response to, “Draw me four emoticons.” (The correct response to THAT is, “Why the shit would you want me to do that?”)

Use your words. We’re adults.