Beautifull of shit

I don’t think I ever roll my eyes harder than when a man on OkCupid comes at me with “Hello beautiful” (<– Lack of punctuation his, not mine.)

First, I HAVE a name. It’s in my profile. Twice.

Also, I’m 41, so please don’t make me quote Meghan Trainor: “Call me beautiful, so original, tellin’ me I’m not like other girls…”

I’m cute, dude. It’s OK, I know my lane. “Beautiful” seems to be some sort of résumé keyword men* say to average-looking chicks, assuming we all want to hear it and it’ll fast-track them into our draw’s.

BTW, it hadn’t occurred to me that “not like other girls” was a line until I heard this song. In hindsight, it makes sense—I am a special little lady snowflake…just like everybody else. My deep-seated desperation to feel unique is probably evident, so of course men would use it to infiltrate.

P.S. If I ever write a book, I’m calling it “Little Lady Snowflake.”

*SOME men. #NotAll. I know.

This guy invented the Department of “Are You Fucking Serious?”

Just as a matter of policy, if your first OKCupid message to me says simply, “Hello sticky buns,” you will never be the reason my buns are sticky.

Also? No punctuation. I think I’m actually more offended by that, but I guess it’s all part of The Complete Goddamn Pig starter set. (Gold chains and mommy issues sold separately.)

Wait… Unless he HAS actual sticky buns? Maybe he meant, “Hello. Sticky buns?” like as an offering. You’d be surprised how many things I can overlook when plied with baked goods. That glaze moistens more than just doughnuts.

This is not OK, Cupid.

So, have we just abandoned punctuation entirely?

I get a lot of intro messages on OKCupid that say things like, “Hey there how are you I’m Ben”

That’s it. No punctuation.

I guess at least he capitalized his own name?

I have not yet seen anyone I want to fuck badly enough to make this OK.