Using your phone as a…phone?!

Quotable Gary Gulman:

“To me, the phone is just this seldom-used app on my phone. And if you use it on me, I am fucking furious. How dare you? You call me unprovoked, out of the blue?

Text me first to see if I’m even accepting phone calls today! And I will text you back with a window.

“It’s crazy that we even call the iPhone a phone. Calling it a phone is like calling a Lexus a cupholder.”

“I may be dumb, but I’m not a dweeb…”

Quotable friend, re: all the bullshit thinking therapists make you do: “Therapy thoughts seem like they’re probably pretty rough. But you’re having them for a good reason. They’re like the kale of thoughts.”

Get this: I have to make a list of positive things about myself. Attributes, accomplishments, etc. I probably can’t list my breasts, and here’s the kicker — I can’t ask other people. What the shit? How am I supposed to get self-esteem from myself? That seems counterintuitive.

(Video contains language not at all safe for work.)

Quotable “Cool Girl”

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

Gone Girl