Using your phone as a…phone?!

Quotable Gary Gulman:

“To me, the phone is just this seldom-used app on my phone. And if you use it on me, I am fucking furious. How dare you? You call me unprovoked, out of the blue?

Text me first to see if I’m even accepting phone calls today! And I will text you back with a window.

“It’s crazy that we even call the iPhone a phone. Calling it a phone is like calling a Lexus a cupholder.”

The Berenstain Bears and the Illiterate Cheesemonger

Conundrum: An otherwise fine, fairly attractive man on OkCupid sent me a message, but under the “favorite books” prompt in his profile, he just wrote, “I’m not into books.”

Ordinarily, immediate grounds for dismissal: “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”

BUT…He works with specialty cheeses.

You GUYS. What if he’s a cheeseMONGER?!

To his credit, among other things, his message said, “I’ll start reading one now if it will help.”

Well played, Cheese Guy.

Also, yes, it would help: War and Peace, please. Make it snappy.

The Elusive Self-Esteem Boost and a Therapeutic Three-fer

tumblr_nxv8fb4zS71r3iw3do1_500.gifIf you’ve never had a day where you look in the mirror and think, “GodDAMN, I look good,” I highly recommend it.

Spring and summer clothes and weather really are my wheelhouse. I’ll also be buying more of this new makeup (aptly made by Tarte) and thanking the gods of hair for blessing my rolled-outta-bed coif today.

Sometimes a plan just comes together, and today it did, in the form of my unplanned FINE ass.

“Give it up, boys and girls. Admit it. I look GOOD!” (Don’t judge me, Bette is my jam.)

P.S. I went to therapy tonight, and one of the first things she said to me, unprompted, was, “You look wonderful!” So there you go, y’all — my cuteness is verified by a licensed professional. (My brain went full Cady-Heron-in-the-black-dress: “I KNOW, right?!”)

P.P.S. Tonight’s agenda: Therapy, takeout food, and Scandal. So basically a therapeutic three-fer.

Cameron Frye is my spirit animal

You know what’s probably a bad sign leading up to a first date?

When your friend asks to hang out Saturday and you say, “Dammit. I have a date. But I think I’d have more fun hate-watching Fear and eating takeout with you.”

In the words of Cameron Frye, “OK, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go…I’ll go. SHIT!”

The Continuing Wisdom of #TGIT

“I don’t know how to do this thing you do, where you make me feel like crap and there are no words coming out of your mouth.”
— Amelia Shepherd, Grey’s Anatomy

#TGIT #BeenThere

Not at all what I’m thinking about at work…

Monica: “Pheebs, you know what I’m thinking?”
Phoebe: “…How it’s been so long since you’ve had sex, you’re wondering if they’ve changed it?”
Monica: “No. Although NOW that’s what I’m thinking.”