Short Story Table of Contents (adjusted for ADD):
28 pages Jesus Christ this is taking forever I fucking hate this book kill me
When your family is coming to visit and you go around the house to collect all the books you’re reading and hide them in the bedroom, because it’s basically just a list of eight conversations you don’t feel like having today, plus the fact that “you read too much” and “have too many books — ha ha ha, hoarder” has somehow been a truly hilarious running joke for them since your childhood…
I was up late last night and received the following messages from a guy on OkCupid:
1:06 a.m.: “Hi how are you? What are you reading?”
[BTW, everything I’m reading is listed in my profile. It’s one of the site’s fill-in-the-blank questions.]
1:06 a.m., followup: “I am reading Dante’s inferno and breaking Rockefeller.”
1:15 a.m.: “How was your 4th?
1:27 a.m.: “Writing anything good these days?”
If he has a paid OKC account, I think he could see I’d been reading the messages. And OKC shows you when users are on the site, so he could see I was there. But damn, dude. How are you sitting there like, “I can’t get her to talk about books, so maybe she wants to talk about her holiday — that’s pretty scintillating. No? Hm. Maybe she’ll talk about her writing.”
I shouldn’t have blocked him. Maybe the FIFTH message 10 minutes later would’ve been The One.
My username on OkCupid is SmugWrites, but with my actual name.
The first line of my profile is, “Hi, I’m Smug.” (Actual name.)
So obviously I get a message this morning: “Hi I’m ben,what’s your name?”
Half an hour later, Ben sends a follow-up: “?” (Yep. Just the question mark.)
I reported this to a teacher friend who summed it up nicely: “Ben doesn’t read for comprehension.”
Today I got the best prescription ever from my doctor: yoga, sunshine, reading, and Lexapro.
Well, yes, ma’am! *salute*
This is relevant to many of our mutual interests. I love you, and want you to be happy: ‘Hot Dudes Reading’ Books on Trains Is the Hottest Instagram Right Now
All my love,
P.S. I’m trying NOT to think of this as a gross invasion of privacy, because it doesn’t seem like these guys know they’re on this site, nor that they consented to be. And I’d be a little skeeved if someone put my photo on a “Hot Girls Reading” site. (I mean, they wouldn’t, I’m merely cute, but OK, then, a “Cute Girls Reading” site.)
But…they’re just so majestic and lovely. I’m sorry, gentlemen. I was under the influence of your dreaminess? Is my hypocrisy going to be a problem?
I know. I am a terrible person. Fortunately there’s no blood in my brain to really let that trouble me too much.
Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: Entertainment Missteps Edition
— He doesn’t read. One guy in particular blew my entire mind when he said, “i don’t read much. I’d like to fix that but its hard to start reading when you dont read much.” Um. No, it’s not. At all.
— He lists “Footloose (circa 2011)” as one of his favorite movies. How dare you, sir?
— He said “The Hangover was superb.” The Hangover was fine, but that sentence tells me you have terrible judgment either of movies or of words, and I cannot abide either.
* Subject line from High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this video: “I Like a Girl Who Reads Is the Anthem Every Bookworm Needs to Hear.” An adorable British chap waxing poetic about his love of literate women? Adorbs.
Fuck you, Huffington Post, for introducing it with some BULLSHIT about how shameful it is that our culture so often sexualizes and objectifies women, and then slapping together such a ludicrous headline. I “need to hear” that men like a girl who reads?
Look, I’m not even gon’ front — it fucking well BETTER be hot that I read. He should read, too, because I’m not abiding illiterate dick. But I don’t “need to hear” that men find it sexy. If he doesn’t find it sexy, he can step off, and that’s his loss, not mine.
Eat a dick, HuffPo. Men find that hot, too.