Holy shit, when did Philadelphia become part of the Bible Belt?
I’m not sure how I continue to be surprised at the appalling things my family will like and share on Facebook.
My father just shared a fucking Monica Lewinsky joke about all this Nike ad nonsense, and here’s what really chaps my ass — the joke wasn’t even FUNNY. (“Believe in something, even if it means swallowing everything. Just do it.” HA HA HA HA, OH WAIT, NO, that is actually a shitty joke.)
Dad, you and I are about to have a conversation about all the miscellaneous dicks I had in MY mouth at age 22, and how maybe I’d love to not be judged for it decades later and pulled into TOTALLY UNRELATED ISSUES, because the dudes were complete morons. I didn’t even have the self-esteem to AIM for the president — I was jocking my manager at a Blockbuster Video in Jersey, getting finger-banged in the candy closet. (To this day, if I see a box of Sno-Caps, I get MOIST.)
Also, just…fucking EW! I’m your daughter, and you have nieces and grandchildren! I know you’re a dude and all, but CHRIST!
It’s possible I need to lay off Facebook for a while. Or just mute my own goddamn father. Again.
And by the way? This is a middle-aged, doughy white boy from Trenton, NJ, not a millionaire with 46 yachts or whatever millionaires have.
My mom isn’t saying I need to lose weight, but since I mentioned it earlier, just so I know, So-and-So just died of a heart attack at age 43 because she was overweight.
She also had high blood pressure and smoked, which Mom knows I don’t do, but… just, you know… “It’s not just about vanity.”
“Well, yeah, but my health is fine at this weight. Blood pressure, cholesterol, it’s all perfect.”
“Yeah, I know, but you have to keep it that way.”
So I guess “Don’t get any fatter” is the sage wisdom getting passed down through the generations this Mother’s Day?
Cool. Noted. Someone put that shit on a Hallmark card.
And it was on the way out the door, too. My mom is a fucking MASTER of the emotional drive-by.
“I wasn’t trying to say you need to lose weight.”
“I really don’t know what else you could’ve been trying to say, Mom.”
Aaand SCENE. Her husband got in the car and drove them away.
We win at communication.
P.S. Why, yes, she DID send me home with cake and soft pretzels, why do you ask?
One day my filter will fail and I will not be able stop myself from asking another full-grown adult, likely a coworker, “How the FUCK do you not fall down more often?”
So, hey, here’s a way a man on OkCupid decided to start a conversation with me…
I saw this in a man’s OkCupid profile, and… Is this a big enough issue for men that y’all need to disclaim it away up front?
But hey, good on you, sir — establishing your boundaries and managing my expectations. Ahem…I guess…
A series of OkCupid messages from a man, ostensibly introducing himself…
1:00 p.m.: “Hello”
1:02 p.m.: “My profile is empty cuz I just signed on today.. and I rather talk and get to know better thru convo like normal people do… Not just read a profile that I can write anything to make more people pay attention … But rather be honest and talk to someone like people do.. not robots”
1:41 p.m.: “Guess I’m just too pretty…”
Um…or maybe I have a job. Maybe I’m carefully crafting a clever yet sexy response to your irresistible approach. Maybe that fifth ellipsis turned me on so much that I had to go tend to this situation in my panties. OR maybe just generally I have more important things to do with 40 minutes.
Do you feel as entitled to everything as you do to a reply? If we end up dating and I don’t text you back within 40 minutes, are you going to keep texting until I do?
And has being a passive-aggressive bitch-baby ever worked? Has a woman ever said, “OMG, ha ha, ‘too pretty,’ so funny, I MUST suck your cock this instant”?
How are you still single, bro? Lemme jump right on that.
I’m sorry… What in the name of the actual everloving FUCK is this?