Introducing Amazon Prime’s Asshole Plan…

An acquaintance shared this on Facebook:

new

I only bothered reading the first 20 or so comments, so maybe someone said it beyond that, but I didn’t see anyone suggest maybe, um…NOT lying to your spouse about your spending habits?

One of the comments LEGIT advised using Amazon’s lockers so the husbands wouldn’t see.

*sigh* You go enjoy your very healthy marriage. I’m single, so what the shit do *I* know?

Also, “HA HA HA, we’re women and we love to shop and we do so irresponsibly and then lie about it, HA HA HA FUNNY HA HA.”

(I know, I know — it’s a joke and I’m a buzzkill.)

Tell me what I want, what I really, really want…

My OkCupid profile says I’m “essentially looking for friends with benefits, but actual FRIENDS, with potential for something more if it eventually evolves.”

Today I get this first message: “Hey Smug..I tried fwb,..it doesn’t work. There’s always problems with feelings..someone always loses control.”

That’s the whole message.

Um…OK. See, what you wanted to say there, quietly and only to yourself, was: “This woman wants different things than I do. I will proceed calmly to the next profile.”

Not, “This woman is wrong. I must tell her why she is wrong, and that will be ALL I write, because SHE HAS TO KNOW SHE’S WRONG!”

What’s your endgame here, sir? What am I supposed to say?

“OMG, you’re right, Internet Stranger Who Clearly Has No Issues At All! I never thought of that! Tell me, Marlon Rando, what do YOU think I should want instead? Eagerly awaiting your wisdom, Smug.”

I need men for many things.* Explaining my needs to me is not one of them.
*Their hands. Mouths. Voices. Arms. Teeth. Body weight on me. Hips and the ability to thrust them…
Wait, sorry, what was I saying?

Aw, boo hoo, poor rapist…

Via RawStory: Screen Shot 2016-08-23 at 12.01.00 PMJudge sets aside rape charges for probation so ex-athlete can enjoy ‘a college experience’“Oh, is this the one in Colorado I posted about a few weeks ago?”

Hm. No. OK.

That one from Stanford?”

Nope.

Right, then. An all-new installment:

“He can now look forward to a productive life without being burdened with the stigma of having to register as a sex offender,” said his attorney. “The goal of this sentence was not to impede this individual from graduating high school and to go onto the next step of his life, which is a college experience…We all made mistakes when we were 17, 18, 19 years old, and we shouldn’t be branded for life with a felony offense. Putting this kid in jail for two years would have destroyed this kid’s life.”

Oh, OK…*twitch* How nice for him…

Two women this time, by the way.

 

You did the fuck NOT.

SANJOSEVia The Guardian: San Jose Mercury News says sorry for ‘insensitive’ Simone Manuel headline.

You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.

I stand corrected. (And agape.)

“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!

It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…became the first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”

*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps! 

Just…REALLY?

So I guess we’re pretty much done even PRETENDING rape is a crime?

Screen Shot 2016-08-11 at 3.52.27 PMVia Huffington Post: No Prison For Colorado Student Who Raped ‘Helpless’ Freshman.

20 years’ probation because “we need to find out whether he can or cannot be rehabilitated?” Really? “Hey, listen, we’re gonna let this one slide, but we’re gonna need you to try super hard to not rape anyone else until 2036, ‘kay? Swearsies realsies?”

BTW, I know what they thought they were doing, but when you put “helpless” in quotation marks like that, it looks like you’re implying she was allegedly helpless. Also, “He raped her as she drifted out of consciousness and lied about what he had done.” That sounds like she lied while he raped her. Write a goddamn sentence, would you?

And oh…OH!…”Wilkerson’s friends and family said the crime was a ‘traumatic incident’ for him. They asked the judge to consider Wilkerson’s future, and said he ‘will go far in this world if not defined by this one incident.’ … Wilkerson admitted to investigators he’d made advances to the victim that night, ‘but that she rebuffed him each time, and that he felt ‘pissed off’ and called her a ‘fucking bitch.’ Wilkerson told the jury…their sexual activity was consensual.”

No, see…rebuffing you each time? IS NOT CONSENT, YOU ENTITLED DICKHEAD SHITHEEL FUCKFACE. That’s what’s known as an OPPOSITE — by, like, A LOT.

And oh, no, the rapist would have to worry about his special wittle future? Did sexually violating a half-conscious woman give him teh sadz? Boo hoo hoo, I could just cry.

Meanwhile, I’m sure his victim’s future will be — to quote Patton Oswalt — “a sheetcake made of victory and talking owls.”

Fucking fuck fuckity fuckery fuck.

See also: Fuck.

Going for the gold in Fuckery

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 3.26.14 PMVia Huffington Post: The Media Is Saying And Doing A Bunch Of Sexist Stuff During The Olympics.

“A commentator said Team USA members looked like they ‘might as well be standing in the middle of a mall’ after they were caught on camera laughing and talking following their utter annihilation of the competition during the qualifying round.”

I really have nothing intelligent to say, but in fairness I think the only thing TO say is “Go fuck yourself.”

 

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 3.33.36 PM.png

See also: “Katie Ledecky swims like a man.” [upon protest] “It was a compliment.” Seen in this second article, because there was enough bullshit to write two: Stop Attributing The Success Of Women Olympians To Men.

Really? You didn’t think to…REALLY?!

Via Poynter: Seattle Times apologizes to readers for Clinton front page:

Screen Shot 2016-07-28 at 3.48.51 PM

Aw. Well, that’s nice.

Ahem.

Your move, All the Other Fucking Papers that Did the Same Fucking Thing.

Jag and the BeanSTALK

I was up late last night and received the following messages from a guy on OkCupid:

1:06 a.m.: “Hi how are you? What are you reading?​”

[BTW, everything I’m reading is listed in my profile. It’s one of the site’s fill-in-the-blank questions.]

1:06 a.m., followup: “I am reading Dante’s inferno and breaking Rockefeller.”

1:15 a.m.: “How was your 4th?

1:27 a.m.: “Writing anything good these days?​”

If he has a paid OKC account, I think he could see I’d been reading the messages. And OKC shows you when users are on the site, so he could see I was there. But damn, dude. How are you sitting there like, “I can’t get her to talk about books, so maybe she wants to talk about her holiday — that’s pretty scintillating. No? Hm. Maybe she’ll talk about her writing.”

I shouldn’t have blocked him. Maybe the FIFTH message 10 minutes later would’ve been The One.

Underground Railroad, Above-Ground Stupidity

The shit we BITCH about… She’s not SMILING?!

I can’t imagine why. The Underground Railroad seemed like a real hoot.

It IS a shame she’s not smiling, since all those white dudes on my money are happy as fuck. They’re ALL whimsy and shenanigans, sticking out their tongues, one’s got a friend doing bunny ears behind his head. And OMG, it’s totes hilar-balls how Franklin’s got one of those moustaches on a stick on the $100 — motherfucker was so jolly, Santa Claus asked him for pointers. In fact, Franklin advised Santa to get the reindeer. *nod* I think I read that somewhere.

Via The Guardian: ‘Cheer up, love’ – why is Harriet Tubman being told to smile 100 years after her death?Screen Shot 2016-04-29 at 12.53.09 PM