I need to see your face before I sit on it.

I didn’t respond to a first OkCupid message I got yesterday, because the guy’s only photo was of his calves and feet in the sand. My profile clearly says I won’t talk to anyone who doesn’t have a face photo, because…it’s DATING. Faces are important. And he’d obviously paid attention to my profile, at least enough that his message referenced both my subtle jokes about cunnilingus. (Don’t judge me, that’s one of the only reasons I’m dating.)

He just sent a followup message: “Really, i get no response…i thought i was witty and charming. Oh well, take care.”

Ahem.

1. I don’t owe you anything.
2. Your passive aggression is not cute.
3. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since your first message. Even if I thought you WERE witty and charming (I didn’t), you wouldn’t have a response yet. I have shit to do. (Reformed Clinger Technique #347.)
4. I can’t know if I want your face between my legs if I don’t know what your face looks like.

I don’t understand this. You know I’ll SEE your face eventually, right? Would you rather we get to know each other via email/text, and then I’ll finally see your face and be like, “Um, no, sorry, that face doesn’t work for me.”

It’s online dating, Cyrano. Hooray for your beautiful soul and all, but I’m never gonna sit on your soul, so I need to see your face.

…OK, fine, I’m not going to sit on his face, either, because I have issues and think I’m going to hurt/smother the guy somehow, even though I know that’s absurd. Regardless, faces still matter.

Slutty McSidepiece and the Stage 5 Clingers

Talking to a friend…

Me: “I’m thinking about hooking up with an ‘open marriage’ guy from OkCupid.”
Friend: “You could try it. I mean…you’re already IN therapy.”

There’s immense appeal in a guy who’ll come with me to a movie, come with me in the bedroom, then get the hell out. When I try to date proper, I attract Clingers, get anxious, and make terrible choices. That shouldn’t be an issue with one who’s already housebroken.

But I also know myself, and I may be too insecure to come second…literally or otherwise. If Dude satisfies my needs too well, I may catch feels, and if I fall for him, I’m SOL. The wife’s gonna stay the wife — I’d just be Slutty McSidepiece. I do not do well as Slutty McSidepiece.

I wonder if I’d rather fend off Clingers and hold out for a person with whom feels are at least an option, even if we never get there.

Then again… I don’t HAVE to date the guy long. Maybe I NEED a naked friend to fuck some clarity into me without all the relationship crap.

Also, if you consider where I am mentally, I might as well be in an open marriage, too. I have one guy I’d drop anything and anyone to help and/or be with, so as far as my heart and brain are concerned, I also have a “primary partner.” Then I still have the second guy in the back of my head, just for bonus emotional fuckery, so I have even worse trust issues than before. I can’t handle a real relationship, are you crazy?

Plus, if the guy turns out to be boring, I can just say I can’t handle playing second fiddle. (And that may actually turn out to be true.)

I can spot a Clinger at 50 paces now, anyway — “Oh, you’re doing THAT? Yeah, I’ve done that. I INVENTED that. Don’t even.” So far I’ve encountered three on OkCupid, and I’ve dodged them all without ever meeting them.

I’m a Recovering Clinger, and I approved this message.

P.S. I actually ran this by the therapist and she says I’m in the clear as long as I’m safe. She told me it was good for me to explore options, to be aware of those emotional attachments I still have, to be conscious of what I need, and possibly work out a way to GET it without pressuring myself about being in a “proper” relationship. I think this is a good intermittent step, and she seems to agree.

P.P.S. Dude is ADORABLE and I want to make all the sex with him.