“You ain’t seen me crazy yet.”

I have a lot of weird little things I consider immediate red flags in dating profiles. Some, yeah, I’m basically Chandler Bing, but there are a few I maintain are just good sense.

One is, if he seems to be implying most women are crazy, even (especially?) as a joke.

But other than this one comment — which I think is…BORDERLINE red flag… like…a pale red… and the flag is small — this man seems nice, smart, and attractive, and sent me a perfectly polite first message.

So I’m going to answer, but let the record show, my guard is UP. FIGHT MY CRAZY, BROSEPH.

Smother, Brother!

I emailed the OkCupid guy and canceled our first date, which had been tentatively scheduled for Saturday.

I’d already gotten antsy about how often he’d been contacting me — I really don’t need to talk to you EVERY day when we haven’t met yet. I feel like a dick because he’d told me repeatedly how much he was enjoying talking to me. But my brain did its “Jesus Christ, PLEASE stop talking” thing that happens when I feel overwhelmed and smothered. Whether that’s valid or just inferred, it’s really hard for me to come back from.

I know I get weird, but this one was honestly, legitimately, not on me. I maintain that if one of the other red flags is something I’m not comfortable sharing here, THAT is a big, fuckoff red flag. I told y’all about that time I blew a guy in a Zipcar — it’s not as if I have a ton of boundaries.

Cockblocking Cupid

Honestly, how did people ever end doomed online dating “relationships” without the iPhone’s number-block feature?

What? Is that NOT how I’m supposed to do it?

I’m not an asshole, he is, and a creeper to boot. Trust, this was merited, and sanctioned by a panel of experts.

During the most intense of the phone flirting, you said you wanted to “impale”* me with your dick, and later told me you like your ladies in white cotton underthings, considered aloud that it made you sound a little pedo, but said it anyway? *deep breath* I’m out.

There was more, if that’s not enough.

It’s my fault, really. I should’ve known when I saw his name was “Phyl.” You know, like “Phil,” except you’re an asshole. Goddamn hipsters.

* That’s not just me, right? I realize I’m not exactly after “sweet, gentle, love-making” here — I definitely need to be banged the hell out of. Probably twice, just to make sure we unclench all the Crazy. But isn’t “impale” a tad aggressive? I’d really like to live through this transaction, sir.

Smoke, selfies, and snow globes.

Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: General Profile Infractions, Part 1

— His username/profile mentions “420.” I have no issue with weed. Even if I don’t smoke myself, I think you should be free to partake on occasion. But if it’s important enough in your life to mention it in dating site profile? Sorry, you do it too much for me. (“It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.”)
— He has nine profile photos and they’re ALL car or bathroom selfies.
— He called snow globes “gay.” As far as I know, NOT because they were fucking other snow globes. (See also: Why are you even talking about snow globes?)