Time does NOT heal all axe wounds

I’m a big believer in time healing all wounds when it comes to relationshits.

But no one mentions how time can also phantom-cockblock you when you discover too late in the proceedings that one of your favorite go-to, Old Faithful masturbation fantasies — the ones you rely on to get you there repeatedly and thoroughly when you can’t quite close on your own — doesn’t…fucking…WORK anymore. (This one involved That Guy, but SHUT UP, my clitoris was always happy!)

Personal growth is bullshit. The bulliest shit there is. (Joking. I just wish I could’ve somehow gotten the orgasm BEFORE the epiphany.)

BRB, changing my OkCupid profile to say my vagina is now accepting Tribute volunteers. #StuntedSingleton

Jay-Z therapy

Just in case it seems like I let one measly “relationshit” with some boy land me in a therapist’s office, that was only my “just the tip”ping point.

It was like a Jay-Z situation — I already had 99 problems, and then added a bitch.