Jesus just cockblocked my lazy day

I took a couple days off, trying to alleviate some work burnout, and put myself on the waitlist for a popular class at my gym tonight. I figured if I got in, that was Jesus telling me to get off my ass and leave the house, and if not, clearly He’d prefer I stay home and watch comedy shows.

They just emailed me that I got in, and godDAMMIT, Jesus! This is why I’m not religious!

Ugh. FINE. I’ll do something “They” claim is good for mental health — fucking hippies tryna thwart the part of my brain that’s perfectly content being fat and depressed, thankyouverymuch. 🙄

In which my ladyparts do Satan’s bidding.

OK, yeah, dude should be on a watchlist, but on the bright side, I’m totally referring to my insides as “my satanic ram’s head” at least once a month from now on.

“Y’all, I can’t go out tonight — my satanic ram’s head is back on its bullshit.”

Shouldn’t you want me to carry this day to term?

‪It is just too fucking early for this bullshit.‬

“OK, Google — when will you quit bullshitting?”

I often refer to Google as my religion, so I really hope they pull their heads out of their asses here.

‘Cause, yeah, I can have principles and change my email addresses and use different search engines and storage sites, but…it’s fucking Google. No one cares. I’d be like those assholes who tried to boycott “Hamilton” — sure, sweetie, good luck with that.

Also, I mean…you can’t get that data? Can’t you just Google it?

Aaand snort-laugh…

Via Reductress: I’m Waiting Until Marriage Because God Wants My Pussy Extra Tight”

Happy Hanukkah from my chosen vagina.

I almost forgot to wish y’all a happy Hanukkah.

Hanukkah isn’t my religion, but a) I don’t HAVE much of a religion — we celebrate Christmas, but I suspect that’s mostly for the ham. And b) the first guy I had sex with was Jewish (so, he was extra Chosen), so I’ll always have a soft spot (ie, my vagina) for the faith.

L’chaim!

Worst. Jubilee. Ever.

So, we all know I’m going to hell, but I read today that the Pope says it’s OK for priests to absolve women of the sin of abortion, but only during Jubilee.

I don’t know what Jubilee is, and I kind of don’t even want to learn, because…Abortion Jubilee? Are you serious? That’s amazing. That could be my band.

I looked up Jubilee and it actually sounds quite lovely. So go forth and abort, ladies. Don’t forget to get your cards punched — remember, pay for 5, get the 6th free, AND you get the t-shirt.*

* I was gonna say “you get the fetus phone, but a) That’s pretty fucked up, and b) The “Sports Illustrated” football phone analogy is a tad dated. (Ahem. Get off my lawn!)

I’m really NOT a terrible person…probably…

From the department of “I’m going to hell”…

I just said something looked “more forced than buttsex on an altar boy.” 

You’re welcome. 
(Does it need to be said that I don’t actually find child molestation funny, nor do I have any qualms about religion? I did not invite that metaphor into my brain — I’m not sitting here thinking of pedo jokes as a habit. But I did think it was too good not to share. If you like, just substitute ME for the altar boy, because I don’t want that nonsense in my ass, either.)

I am aware I’m going to hell.

I have my issues with my family, but I don’t know where else the conversation would lead naturally to me getting applauded for joking that super religious folks are against abortion “because that’s one less child to molest. You’re fucking up their draft picks.”

Tonight, on a very special “House Hunters”…

Quotable friend: “I don’t get why so many people have such terrible attitudes about sex. I’m sure a lot of it is from religion, but I was raised Catholic and one of the main reasons I’m sad it’s nearly impossible to find a basement in my part of the country is because it means building a sex dungeon is much more difficult.”