The culmination of years of bitterness about having a flat ass…

Aside

This probably doesn’t help my friends’ perceptions of me as an uptight, convent-raised prude. But I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get up on stage at the symphony and shake my ass around, Mix-a-Lot notwithstanding.

Sir Mix-a-Lot Takes ‘Baby Got Back’ Classical With Seattle Symphony

I guess it would be a great story: “OMG, Becky, remember that time we rolled up on stage at the orchestra and pseudo-twerked our flat, rhythmless asses for the amusement of a one-hit wonder from the ’90s?* Totes YOLO, amirite? Totes.”

Ugh. You’re at the SYMPHONY, not a goddamn bachelorette party at the Jersey shore. (Also, that girl DEFINITELY Cabbage Patched. Oh, honey…)

I think I’m just bitter that I ain’t gotta motor in the backa my Honda. His anaconda wouldn’t want none.

* “Put ‘Em on the Glass” was not a HIT. How dare you?