Narcissist for narcotics.

If there’s not already such a thing as a definitive height of narcissism*, I may have created it this morning when I took a selfie outside the therapist’s office.

In my defense, I looked really good — I wrapped up my Crazy all pretty.

* I assume the actual definitive height of narcissism HAD to have been established at some point in the Kim/Kanye merger, or surely by Presidential Candidate Who Shall Not Be Named.

Now 50% more self-absorbent!

I downloaded an app to track my menstrual cycle and it’s asking me to add a profile photo.  

Uhhh, thanks, I’m good. This isn’t a thing I need to be social-networky about.

Also, um… Would that be a photo of my face or of my vagina? If we’re taking photos of my vagina, I’m gonna need to go to Glamour Shots or something. This can’t be of those “Shot on an iPhone 6” deals you see on billboards. I can’t selfie that, I need a pro. Studio space, flattering lighting…

What Instagram filter would work best for that? Probably one of the black and white ones, so it’ll look artsy, or, ooh, Earlybird would be good — my vagina would look all mellow and groovy.

I realize they’re not really requesting photos of my lady garden. But once I started thinking about vaginal Glamour Shots, my brain ran with it.

Though, if I could get an ultrasound printout of the whole uterus, etc., kit and caboodle, I guess that would be most accurate.

Also, I Googled “Sapphic selfie,” and apparently it’s a thing. Mostly on Tumblr (obvs). 

Like seeing a rare white elk.

You guys? I’m so sorry.

I found the ONE guy on a dating site who absolutely should post shirtless mirror selfies on his profile (just one, among many other clothed ones) and I didn’t take a screen shot, nor did I say hi.

I have failed you all.

Like…dude shouldn’t wear a shirt, EVER. He’s actually doing the world a disservice by being dressed. If you’d brought him to me and he was willing, I would’ve let him do naked things to me with very little discussion.


I’m gonna find his profile again someday, and commend him for his outstanding pectoral contributions to society.

(Yes, yes, he seemed nice and literate, too, and I’m sure that helped with the effect he’s had on my nethers. But gahhhh, I want to lick him!)