This man’s stomach is screwing up my evaluation process.

Email to friends: “Usually if I see a dude on OkCupid with shirtless selfies in his profile, I pass, but, um… a) I want to lick this guy’s stomach, and b) DOG!”
P.S. I blurred his face to post the pic here — he’s not some super weird self-face-blurring shirtless dude.

I’ve been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie… of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: “You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much.”

I’m confused. Why would I think you didn’t mean it?  Of course you meant it — you’re trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, “You’re hideous and make my dick soft.”

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute — that’s why they’re my photos.

Your naked body isn’t bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can’t know if I’ll want to kiss your dick if I can’t tell if I’d kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I’m a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I’ll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus — dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

Mirror mirror…

I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.

I have questions.

First, don’t you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can’t get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I’m a lady, dammit. Plus it’ll turn into that “Big Bang Theory” episode where Sheldon can’t sleep because Penny’s apartment is messy: “I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is…THIS!” And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.

Second, don’t you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I’d have a really recent pic. The caption says: “With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work.” (Not at all true — after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I’ll never let any of these dudes see that.)

Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it’s like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick — the same face in various settings. “Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That’s right, ladies… Behold.”

Online dating may cause tiny brain seizures.

This happened the last time I tried online dating, too: After the initial ego boost, once I actually read what people are saying and how stupid most of it is, my brain has this tiny seizure, like, “What the fuck am I even doing? I belong with my Ex. This is absurd, he is my Person, and I’m never finding anyone better. I am going to die alone, or worse, under some 24-year-old townie-fuck douchebag with a naked-except-a-hand-over-his-junk mirror selfie** as his profile pic.

So. There you go, Therapist. Take my money, let’s work this one out.

Kidding. I don’t really need her for this one. I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to answer anyone I don’t want to, or do anything I don’t want to. They can’t come GET me, they live in the computer.

Onward. (Or if you prefer, “Excelsior.”)

** Yep, that’s a thing. I’d been on the site for 24 hours and saw three of these tykes, along with several merely-shirtless mirror selfies. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not mad at it — those guys SHOULD be shirtless at all times. But they’re looking for “DTF” girl. (I mean, I AM, but…not like that. I’m a lady, motherfucker. I’ll see you naked when I am jolly good and ready…which, in the grand scheme, really doesn’t take that long. If you can’t wait ’til the second or third date, you’re more than welcome to go fuck yourself. But although I’m not always the most confident in my sexual prowess, I can pretty much guarantee I’m more fun than fucking yourself.)

Baby Got (Naked) Back

At work, texting with friends about the best body parts and most flattering angles for naked selfies to send to your significant other. As you do.

I usually just send a photo of tapioca pudding. It gets the point across and requires far less effort.


My personal favorite is my naked back with a peek of panty lace on my hips, and my hair running down my back. I give good back.

Alternately, the curve of my waist, and my thighs, again with lovely draw’s. (That’s what you call them when you’re as sexy as I am.)

Aaand now I’m thinking about doing it.

Aaand now I’m turned on.

This should be an interesting rest of the day at work.

Smoke, selfies, and snow globes.

Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: General Profile Infractions, Part 1

— His username/profile mentions “420.” I have no issue with weed. Even if I don’t smoke myself, I think you should be free to partake on occasion. But if it’s important enough in your life to mention it in dating site profile? Sorry, you do it too much for me. (“It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.”)
— He has nine profile photos and they’re ALL car or bathroom selfies.
— He called snow globes “gay.” As far as I know, NOT because they were fucking other snow globes. (See also: Why are you even talking about snow globes?)

The elusive Porta-Potty selfie.

Actual email I sent to friends, with a screenshot of an OKCupid profile:

“You guys? Is this…a Porta-Potty selfie?! It can’t be, can it? I have to be wrong.”

I wasn’t wrong. Dude not only took a photo of himself in front of a row of Porta-Potties, he then used it on his dating profile. To lure the LADIES.

P.S. The correct spelling/format of “Porta-Potty” may be the strangest thing I’ve Googled for this page.

Cocky Cupid.

Someone please remind me it’s bad karma to post a man’s OKCupid profile photos for mocking on a public blog.

Remind me that I don’t do that because I know how terrible I’d feel if someone did it to me.


Because I definitely just saw a no-questions-answered profile with only one photo — a bathroom mirror selfie of a naked man with his hand over his penis. (Just one hand….ahem. The other was holding the cell phone. Obviously.)

Good morning to you, too, sir, jeez!

He’s not a bad-looking guy, per se, but it’s not one of those times a man has earned the privilege of posting the naked bathroom selfie. Much like the Marines, those dudes are the few and the proud.

*It’s a joke, I don’t really need the reminder.