Spackle your feelings with face cream!

Friend: “Do you ever buy new skincare and get super excited to try it, because just maybe it will fix your skin and all your problems?

“I went to Sephora today.”

Me: “Pretty much every time. I’m actually excited FOR you.”

Friend: “I got a sample of this and I’m very excited to try it. [preview ink]”

Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even click it yet, but fucking TIGER GRASS. NICE.”

‘What IS it?’

‘Fuck if I know, put it on my FACE.’”

Friend: “EXACTLY. It’s the grass of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight…”

Me: “‘It’s only $18! I need it!’

‘Our skin doesn’t even GET red.’

‘SILENCE! I need it!’”

No, really. These are things we can buy.

Obviously you’ll also need the $34 brush to apply it — you can’t just throw it on your fat face like a goddamn animal. So a “slenderized” face can be yours for the bargain price of $58!

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Freudian slipstick

Email to a friend…

Me: “I am juvenile. But damn, there are a lot of jokes here. “

Friend: “I mean, how are you supposed to NOT make jokes at that? They may as well have named the shades ‘John Holmes’ and ‘Ron Jeremy.’ ‘Yeah, rub it on your face, baby.'”

Me: “HA! Aaand THAT is why we’re friends.”

Followup thought: “Gargantuan Golden SHOWERS.” Hey-o!

 

I’d never pay that much for an orgasm

One of my other goals this year is “Get my money right,” because I’m SUPER tired of being broke, so I’m trying to trim expenses where I can.

I’m on the Sephora site getting my face wash (which is pricey, but pleases me daily, and lasts forever, and gets supplemented with cheaper products, and it is my FACE, and I’m aging fairly well, so don’t judge me, whippersnappers)…*deep breath* Ahem.

So I was also going to buy my blush, because it’s running out, too.

Um, yeah, NARS Orgasm blush is 30 goddamn dollars. Nooope. I could swear last time I bought it, it was $22 — still not cheap, but not $30.

sephora

Christ, I’ll just give myself an actual orgasm every day before work. Or, you know…I could go get some $3 blush at Target. Whichever…

P.S. With my purchase, I got a bunch of fancy samples, so now I also have new moisturizer and lipstick, so I don’t have to buy those, so really, this purchase is a budget win. [/rationalization]

Sephora, Se-whore-a.

Talking to a friend yesterday after Sephora did her makeup…

Friend: “It’s highly unnatural. I feel like a whore, which isn’t a far stretch since the lip color is called Hoochie.”

Me: “I don’t think you look like a whore, but no, it doesn’t look natural. Also, I don’t want anything called ‘Hoochie’ on my face.”