Smug is back with a brand-new invention.

So…hi. This is awkward. 

I shut this page down when I was laid off in September. (“I am not getting laid; therefore, I am getting laid off.” —Carrie Bradshaw.) I had more pressing priorities, like finding a job and wallowing in my personal failures.

But then… I’m not a HUGE believer in “signs from the universe,” but we do seem to be shushing female senators, and I do seem to be getting fatter, and Valentine’s Day does seem to be tomorrow, and women’s magazines do seem to be alternating cutting-edge journalism/hilar-balls sex headlines, and the President of the United States does seem to be tweeting about easy D, and y’all KNOW I can’t keep my mouth shut around some easy D, so…OK! CHRIST!

So here I am. Let’s see how this goes.

Putting the “me” in “meme”

I’m sure you’ve seen quite enough of this on your Facebook feeds this week, so I hate to add to the bullshit. But the combination of characters I thought of made me laugh.

“Describe yourself in three fictional characters…”

I’ve HAD this conversation.

Carrie: “So, what’s the problem?”
Miranda: “He said, ‘I think you’re very sexy.'”
Carrie: “And?”
Miranda: “I was wearing no makeup and my Hanes $3 old-man’s undershirt.”
Carrie: “Nice!”
Miranda: “I just can’t believe that a guy would think that I was sexy.”
Carrie: “OK, I’m hanging up now.”
Miranda: “No, I’m serious. Smart, yes. Sometimes cute, but never sexy. Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.”
Carrie: “You win men over with your personality?”

“I don’t live here anymore!”

As I start looking for a new apartment and decluttering my current one, this scene keeps coming back to me.

This apartment was not a good place for me. It does not represent a lot of happy memories. I’m looking forward to starting over in a new place that might hold better juju.

“I can’t help it. I’m an emotional cutter.”

I heard “emotional cutter” on an episode of “Sex and the City” once, and at the time, I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a stupid expression that trivializes actual cutting.”

Nope. No, it’s not. It’s a sick, fucking compulsive form of masochism that can lead to crying in the ladies’ room at your office.

Ahem. Not that I’d know from personal experience… *sniff*

No. Fuck this. I am so much better than this. And there’ll be wine later. So much wine. (I take no responsibility for any blogging I do under the influence.)

P.S. Facebook is fucking awful.