It’s alive! Alive!!!

Continuing a theme…

While a friend was visiting today, she showed me how the new vibrator works — turns out I was using the wrong power button, so the moral of the story is that I can’t even turn on a battery-operated dick.

(I’m done with the theme now, I think. I’m cute as hell, I just thought all this was funny.)

My inner goddess is still super awkward.

I just registered for an Intro to Burlesque dance class, because clearly I don’t feel awkward ENOUGH on the daily, I have to pay to be reminded I lack sex appeal.

Selecting the proper workout ensemble has never quite felt this important. I wonder what the odds are I could configure a bra under here. (Yeah, I know — slim to none.)


Greetings from the Drakkar Vortex.

In a fog of a male coworker’s cologne this morning at work, I am reminded of how much I adore and completely get off on the smell of a man just out of the shower. Maybe wearing deodorant, if you had time to put it on before I grabbed you and had my way with you.

Gentlemen. You smell amazing. Ease back on the Axe. Those commercials lie — I can’t get it up for you if I feel like someone punched me in the chest. I’m not one to science, but I don’t think that’s how pheromones work.

My Hindsight is 20/80.

Oh, good. I love when my brain decides randomly to focus on this shit.

Sometimes I think it was a good thing that I was comfortable enough with my ex that I didn’t feel the need to get full-on pretty all the time just for him. I thought just a clean, showered Me was plenty sexy (which, for the record, is what I thought about him, and of all men — you are all amazing post-shower, I just want to get you dirty all over again).

And then I think that if I’d gotten pretty just for him more often, maybe we wouldn’t have gotten so disconnected. That I didn’t try hard enough to be sexy and keep him attracted to me. That this is all my fault.

Again, fuck you, brain. You wanna throw in some old favorites while you’re at it? I haven’t heard “Why can’t I be normal and want a baby?” in a while. Oh, OH! What about “I wasn’t enough for him without a baby?” Timeless classic! Really, the entire “not enough” catalogue never gets old. Let’s hear ’em all — pretty enough, smart, sexy, classy, maternal, mature. Today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites, only on WPSY, Psychosis Radio!

I’ll be fine. I’m gonna go take an environmentally irresponsible shower, put on some lipstick, go outside, and fucking deal.