A fine day for texting at Smug HQ

The Cute Dog Guy from OkCupid DID in fact send me a series of adorable dog (not dong) pics, AND a video of a dog frolicking on the banks of a lake.

So of course I reported back to my Friends Focus Group…

Smug Singleton’s Patented Penis Predictions!

I’ve been messaging with the OkCupid guy with the cute dog. Yesterday he was taking the dog to meet another dog and make dog friends, and I demanded photos of this occasion. He messaged that he had taken some, and I sent him my number and told him to text them.

So what are we thinking — like, 50/50 one of the pics will be of his dick?

60/40, probably, right? Cloudy with a chance of cock?

I am a petty and small individual.

First message from a man on OkCupid, and the ensuing texts with friends when I sent it to them.

(I know, I’m a terrible person.)

“We’re gonna snatch that pussy and put him in a box and take him on the airplane.”**

Via The Huffington Post: There’s One Word You Should Never Use in Sexting.

Well, sure, but it’s not like anyone is sexting the word “penis,” either. Both words are unsexy because they’re just too clinical. I don’t know why they focused on “vagina.” (Maybe because it’s such a great thing to focus on — hey-o!)

Having said that, I’ll say “cock” or “dick,” but I have this weird thing where I can’t say any of the slang words for “vagina” in an actual sexual context. I end up going with “inside me.”

And yes, I do understand how weird that bit of prudishness is, given that I clearly have no issues talking about my vaginal shenanigans on a public blog. But “pussy” looks like it’s pus-related; “cunt” is an insult; “snatch” is a verb; I can’t even process “twat” — mine is too lovely to be called such a vulgar word; and no one has used “box” that way since like 1976. So I’m at a loss, cunning-linguistically.

** The title of this post is taken from an old George Carlin bit.

Vaginal Psychic Friends Network

PSA: When you begin a conversation by texting to say “that warm sensation” I feel on my nether regions is you thinking about them, I know you’re trying to turn me on. But it sounds like you’re implying burning, as if my vagina needs assistance from that Very Special Section at CVS. And now you’ve triggered my brain, not my ladyparts.

I don’t know how other women work, but I don’t feel warmth there when I’m turned on — it’s more like a tingle, almost a tickle, and then tension, an aching for something that should be there but isn’t. It might be warm if I actually touched it, but as far as my vagina’s clairvoyance in feeling you thinking about it, that’s not warmth.

Maybe it’s just that it was the first text of the day, and came (heh) while I was working on something, so maybe my mind wasn’t on my (apparently molten?) genitalia.

Plus it was around 30 degrees this morning, so every part of me is swathed in fleece — ain’t no warmth here. My vagina is probably like the world’s greatest Popsicle right now.

Also…um… It’s not a turn-on to see you overestimate your effect on me. It’s adorable, don’t get me wrong. But not a turn-on. We’re not there yet, Fonzie. Step away from the shark.

“Oh, I wish I were an Anthony Weiner…”

Oh, whatever, I’ll say it: I would bang the hell out of Anthony Weiner. I totally want to see his penis. He can text photos of it to me any time.

Oh. Vote for him? Hmm… Will he let me worship his penis after? Right-o! Bring it, sex biscuit — UNF! (Don’t judge, I don’t live in NY, and no one that hot ever fucked up that hard — hee — in my state. My libido has not yet been a factor in the democratic process.)

Also, c’mon, pundits, really? Did you seriously say these things in the 10 minutes of coverage I watched?

— “He let that statement hang out there for a while.”

— “He’s getting off on the power.” (Did you really just blame this on fucking dopamine?!)

— “He made some full-blown mistakes.”

— “Just a taste of it, it’s a slippery slope.”

— “There’s something about this kind of scandal that gets most people up.”

God, this is great. Keep it coming! (Hey-o!)

Hee hee. “Pixelated penis picture.” Ha!

Amaze-balls. Literally. Hee.

Quality Friday night

Sexting while eating sushi and watching news about the NSA reading my sexts. (*waves* Hi, y’all!)

Multitasking win!