I love how they’re making cuter plus-size swimsuits, but can you cut it out with the string-held open backs? Baby got back fat, bro — those strings would disappear into the trenches.
I went to check in at my hair salon on Facebook, and I had not previously been aware of the nearby options, but this sounds like the itinerary for an excellent day.
(The middle one is a Mexican restaurant.)
Yes, because clearly I don’t get overstimulated ENOUGH in Target already…
Therapist: “So how’s it going with your body image as far as your vacation and trying on swimsuits?”
Me: “I mean, it is what it is. I can’t change much in 2 weeks, so…this is my body, I’m gonna go have fun.”
Therapist: “That sounds like a very healthy perspective. Good for you.”
Later, while trying on shorts…
Me: “Cool, so I’m basically a manatee.”
Aaand now I need more therapy. 🙄
I’m shopping online for hiking shoes, which are apparently a thing I need for my goddamn VACATION? Fucking nature people. 🙄
Anyway. Guess which hiking shoe I’m NOT buying?
Fuck you, you fucking “fashionable for ladies” fuckface. I don’t give a flying fuck if my fucking shoes are fucking fashionable!
…OK, fine, I totally care, but that’s not the MAIN thing I’m looking for. ASS. How ’bout you take your fashionable shoes for a hike up to Shut Fuck Mountain, jackass?
This is the online photo of another swimsuit I bought, and I texted a friend a photo of how it looked on me…
Me: “I’m sending this back. I don’t even know why I bought it. I’m gonna be standup paddleboarding and shit — I need something sportier. But damn, I look CUTE.”
Friend: “You look great and you should keep it and wear that shit every time you go near water.”
Here’s to friends who are more supportive than bathing suits. 🍸
I ordered swimsuits online so I could try them on and suffer privately, and perhaps call my therapist.
And I love knowing before I even open it that my breast is not fitting in there.
That’s adorable, though. You tried.
Friend: “Do you ever buy new skincare and get super excited to try it, because just maybe it will fix your skin and all your problems?
“I went to Sephora today.”
Me: “Pretty much every time. I’m actually excited FOR you.”
Friend: “I got a sample of this and I’m very excited to try it. [preview ink]”
Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even click it yet, but fucking TIGER GRASS. NICE.”
‘What IS it?’
‘Fuck if I know, put it on my FACE.’”
Friend: “EXACTLY. It’s the grass of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight…”
Me: “‘It’s only $18! I need it!’
‘Our skin doesn’t even GET red.’
‘SILENCE! I need it!’”
I’m preliminary swimsuit shopping for my April vacation, and even on the curvy-chicks, we-need-underwires, our-models-have-an-adorable-hint-of-backfat site, I want to jump out the goddamn window.
It’s February. This layer of fat is keeping me warm, thankyouverymuch. I will be a quality buffet if the apocalypse happens — I am marbled as FUCK. And I’m also SUPER good spending my life in these oversized sweats. HMPH.
Top 10 least treat-y “treat yo’self”s…