Worst. Jubilee. Ever. 

So, we all know I’m going to hell, but I read today that the Pope says it’s OK for priests to absolve women of the sin of abortion, but only during Jubilee.

I don’t know what Jubilee is, and I kind of don’t even want to learn, because…Abortion Jubilee? Are you serious? That’s amazing. That could be my band.

I looked up Jubilee and it actually sounds quite lovely. So go forth and abort, ladies. Don’t forget to get your cards punched — remember, pay for 5, get the 6th free, AND you get the t-shirt.*

* I was gonna say “you get the fetus phone, but a) That’s pretty fucked up, and b) The “Sports Illustrated” football phone analogy is a tad dated. (Ahem. Get off my lawn!)

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Bisquick

Oh, go fuck yourself, Pinterest. I just double-checked The Bible, and yeah — ain’t nothin’ in there about sinful pancakes.  

(OK, we all know my heathen ass doesn’t have a Bible around for quIck reference. But I’m pretty sure about this one. Gluttony, sure, but it’s not pancake-specific. How dare you sully the good name of pancakes? This is a pancake hate crime. That is NOT what Jesus would do.)

Also, now I want pancakes. FOR THE LORD.