The hero we goddamn DESERVE

I heard fan boys got pouty, so I had to do my part to ensure the lady hero gets her (well deserved) OBSCENE opening weekend total.

Sisterhood ✔️

This vat of popcorn is FOR FEMINISM.

For the motherfucking SISTERHOOD, people! (And also because it looks like it’s gonna be badass.)

“And you’re gonna hear me”…blubber like a baby…

Just saw Katy Perry on TV, soundchecking “Roar” at the #DNC.

FUCK. I’m-a cry proud, empowered tears for the sisterhood tonight, aren’t I?

Sorry, Folgers: Happy lady parts are a far better part of waking up.

Via HelloGiggles: This alarm clock wakes you up with an orgasm.

In the immortal words of Elle Woods, “Excuse me. I have some shopping to do.”

And in the words of the friend who sent this to me, “I don’t see how it would prevent me from falling back asleep.”

Truth. Orgasms are how I GET to sleep half the time.

Still, we agree we should try it for research. For SCIENCE. FOR THE SISTERHOOD.
 

A terrible feminist and probably an awful human being

I am a terrible feminist and probably an awful human being.

Everyone on board?

OK.

I definitely have my moments where I’m like, “Man, I’d kill to be built like Kerry Washington” or whoever.

But last night I watched Chicago again (for burlesque research!), and I realized, “Goddamn, I would much rather be built like me than like Super Thin Renée Zellweger any day.”

I sincerely hope the most prominent feature of my chest is never the bones in it. (I can’t even see those bones, I forgot there WERE bones there.)

I could floss with that woman.

I know, I KNOW. I shouldn’t judge another woman. There’s room for all of us (ahem — especially her, she’s basically vapor), and we’re all snowflakes, blah blah, bliddy blah, sisterhood, traveling pants, etc. FINE. I’m an asshole. We’ve established that.

Also, while she’s tiny, I’m sure she does crazy yogalates-ninja-reformer class or something and could kill me with her pinky finger. Plus, she’s a floppity-bajillionaire mega-star who can sing AND dance AND act (I’m told), and I live in a studio apartment and have 45 Facebook followers, so who the hell am I? She gives no fucks what I think, and rightly so.

Now, don’t get it twisted — if you offered a trade of INCOME, I’d be on that shit like white on rice. (Not that she knows what rice is, but you get the idea.) But body-wise? I’m glad I’m me, is the point. Flat ass and all. I’m not a hater — this was a self-esteem epiphany. So there.

Saving the sisterhood, one pH balance at a time.

I hear a lot of jokes about “girl code,” usually in regard to dating a friend’s ex or something.

Let me give you an example of the REAL girl code:

My doctor, a woman about my age, prescribed an antibiotic for the sinus infection that’s been beating my ass (seriously, please come tear my face off, and also bring pie). Without me asking, she said, “I’m also calling in a script for Diflucan. If you don’t need it, don’t fill it, but I don’t want you to have to bother calling us back and asking for it.”

I go pick up the antibiotic, along with a bottle of acidophilus. I tell the female pharmacist I’m not filling the Diflucan right now, that I’ll just leave that on standby for a rainy day in my vagina. She nods, notices the acidophilus, and tells me unprompted that cranberry extract supplements also help her prevent The Evil that Shall Not Be Named.

That’s your girl code. Good work, Girl Nation. My pH balanced lady garden thanks you.

In which I betray the sisterhood…

Via The Mary Sue: Trevor Noah Lauds Women in Comedy, Acknowledges Vanity Fair Photo Spread

Honest question — how are you gonna shit on him for “man-splaining” when he’s…a man….you’ve asked…to explain something? I don’t think there was anything wrong with his answer. P.S. He’s an up-and-coming comedian about to take over a massive empire of a TV show. Exactly what 18- to 34-year-old male boat do you think he wants to rock right this minute?

That cover represents the CURRENT late-night hosts. Samantha Bee’s show won’t be on for months yet; Chelsea Handler’s show isn’t on anymore. If anything, I’m happy the cover is making so many people go, “Oh, hey, yeah, this IS a large group of white fucks. Let’s talk about that.”

I’m sure when Samantha Bee’s show gets closer, she’ll have a ton of covers (she BETTER), and I’m super excited to have a lady in late-night, but for right this second, yeah, it’s kind of a sausage-fest.

Get Shonda Rhimes on this, man. “Night Times with Shonda Rhimes?” I’d watch the HELL out of that.

Naming kids: last name, Business; first name, None-o-ya

Overheard in pre-meeting chatter at work, from two women who’ve only recently met:

Woman 1: “How old is your son?”

Woman 2: “14 months.”

Woman 1: “Aw! Are you gonna have more?”

Woman 2: “…Ehhhh, I don’t know about that…”

Woman 1: “Aw, you don’t want to try for the girl?”

Dear Lord, baby Jesus, please keep me from punching this woman in the throat.

People. This is not an acceptable topic of conversation, especially at work, where maybe we’re not all “Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Golden Girls Traveling Caftans” wanting to discuss what’s going into or coming out of our vaginas next. Kindly extricate yourselves from other women’s uteruses. It’s, like, SUPER none of your business.

Nerd is the word.

A “friend” told me I could get the guys at the Apple Store to fix my phone for free if I wore a low-cut shirt when I went in.

Ahem.

1. I think this #YesAllWomen thing is working, y’all!

2. I hate that I’m half convinced he’s right, and half concerned my cleavage isn’t impressive enough to get me free stuff.

3. I think Apple dudes are above that, though. We’re not talking Lewis and Booger here — I think nerds* are embracing their power a little more now that we all have tiny computers in our pockets. We’re pretty much at their mercy and they know it. Plus, the guys at the Genius Bar could see much more than cleavage on their phones and rub one out in the store’s bathroom during their 15-minute break if shit really got dire — they don’t need ME. So as far as leverage, I think tech support > my tits. (Mine personally. Maybe yours can be exchanged for goods and services, and if so, good on you!)

3. Much as I’d love to tell you I’m totally offended because I’m such a great feminist and I’m better than that and “OMG, THE SISTERHOOD…” If that worked? I’d let it work. Fuck it, I’m broke. I’m not shattering a glass ceiling with a shattered iPhone — “That’s just… the rules of feminism.” They’re gonna look at my boobs no matter what. I’m sure as shit not giving them my money, too, if I don’t have to.

What, you’ve never seen a hypocrite before?

* I use “nerd” in the most loving connotation. Ain’t nothin’ sexier than a man who’ll fix my hard drive and then let me fix his. I’m a nerd hag. The Genius Bar is my meat market.