A-OK DTF!

One more thing about these tests they’re doing…

I’m not WORRIED, but I AM happy they’re checking things out, because I only had sex twice with Guy I Dated For a Minute, and both times it hurt. Only for a second, only upon his first entry, and not enough that I had to stop, but it hurt.

And, not to be an asshole (well, maybe a little bit), but it wasn’t a size issue. I mean, it wasn’t SMALL, it was a very fine penile offering, but it wasn’t like, “Oh, shit, better brace myself.”

Obviously there are approximately 6 million perfectly logical non-serious-health-issue reasons it might have hurt, but it’ll be nice to have an all-clear on anything big.

P.S. Oh, and they HAVE cleared me! I got an email while I was writing this. One small ovarian cyst, which usually resolve on their own, but nothing else. Good work, body! (Also, no STIs or other plagues, so I am officially DTF.)

Discreet skeet

I got a first OkCupid message from a man whose only profile photo is a fairly sizable, at-attention penis constrained by thin white cotton underwear.

The only part of his profile he bothered filling out was the “My self-summary,” under which he wrote only, “Discrete.”

*sigh* “Discreet,” sweetie. You’re looking for “discreet.”

“Discrete” is math. Don’t be math.

I guess if I’m allowing for there to be blood in his brain as well as in his penis, “discrete” can also mean “individually separate and distinct,” and its synonyms are “detached, unattached, disconnected.”

So maybe that IS the word he was looking for. In which case, well played, fellow commitment-phobe.

And hey, also? Way to grow a dick. Kudos, you should be proud of that thing.

But…nah, I’ll pass. If I put that in me, I’ll be rendered incapable of discretion no matter how you spell it. Probably best you don’t awaken that beast.

Too well-hung for me to hang

OkCupid shows you who’s looked at your profile. A 24-year-old dude just looked at mine, and his profile photo is of his hand holding his naked, sizable, penis. 

Not really sure what it says about me that I’m less offended by unsolicited naked dick than I am by the dirt under his fingernails or the mess in the room behind him.

I alternate thinking he’s ruined a delightful discovery the first time I unzip his pants and unfurl this thing, vs. really appreciating the advance notice about a cock that might actually break me in half.

“Too big! Your dick doesn’t end! Why doesn’t your dick end?”

A vast improvement on the scientific method

One of my OkCupid matches is a guy whose username is 12inchistoobig.* His profile says he chose the name because yes, it IS, and it’s been an issue for him sexually when the woman can’t take it. So he wants to warn us villagers up front.

He says he’ll prove he’s actually that big, which I suppose would be a fairly straightforward Exhibit A.

But then he says, before things get too involved, he also wants proof the woman can handle it, and the proof would be “they make toys in that size.” I’m not sure how that would go, exactly… Skype? FaceTime? Do you buy the toy, or is it a BYOBC situation?** If I’m comfortable enough to try a toy in your presence, we’ve gotten pretty close, so I should probably just try your dick, no?

Now, none of MY toys are that big — standard size gets the job done just fine.

So, no, Dirk Diggler, I don’t know if I COULD handle it, but…I mean…I feel like we should try. For research. I like science. Do you like science? We should science.

P.S. I’m…98% sure he’s full of shit. I just like to write long penis posts. 

*Not his real username.
** There’s a “five-dollar footlong” joke there somewhere, but I’m tired, and Jared ruined all Subway humor.

Hell no, elbow…

OK, this post is long, but a guy I was kissing after a first date took a timeout to mention the dry skin on my elbows, so I think it merits further analysis…

We’re at the end of a decent first date. We’re kissing. It’s not great, but not bad. I like kissing. I like being against a man, even it wasn’t quite the physical fit I enjoy. (Ever just FIT with someone? Isn’t that the best? It’s like two really dirty puzzle pieces.)

I’m wearing a tank top, so he’s been touching my neck and shoulders. His hands go under my shirt (because I put them there), and graze the curve between my ribs and hips. He’d mentioned that’s one of his favorite parts of a woman, and it happens to be one of my favorite/best physical features.

Then he runs his hands down my bare arms and says, “Your skin is so soft… Well, except your elbows.”

*blink*…Sorry, what?

I pull away from him, gesture up and down at my body, carefully outfitted in form-fitting jeans, low-cut tank top with subtle but effective cleavage, lacy bra peeking out if I shifted the right way (which I did…often), and I say, “Really? Allllll this, and you’re gonna heckle my ELBOWS?!”

He’s not a moron, so he quickly says he was joking, and we get back to kissing after a few minutes of me being Cool-Girl-pseudo-outraged and teasing. But it stuck in my brain.

I mean, he’s not wrong. I could stand to loofah. But…

A. Who the fuck thinks of ELBOWS in ANY situation, particularly THIS one? Is this yet another part of my body I’m supposed to angst over and tend to? Should I add this to the list that already includes more extensive maintenance than my fucking car?

B. That’s your choice on a first date? A woman is giving your hands free reign all over her body while she makes little noises near your ear so you feel all manly and virile, and you pause to say that out loud? So if we’re ever naked together, are you going to point out that I don’t wax? That I have cellulite? That I basically have no ass?

Related: Is every inch of YOU gonna be all Beyoncé “Flawless?”

C. Oh, sorry, I must’ve left “dry elbow skin” off my OkCupid profile. Much like YOU left out that you’re 5’6″ only if I don’t understand how rulers work — I’m 5′, and when I raised to tiptoe out of habit to kiss you, I noticed I didn’t need to. Do you exaggerate size often…?

D. If you have enough blood in your brain to notice and form comments about imperfections while your hands and mouth are roaming a woman’s neck, shoulders, and waist — all of which, by the way, are naturally soft and smooth like a baby’s ass — we have bigger issues.

Too bad, too, because up until that point, you had plenty of moisture where it mattered.

I didn’t realize in the moment how much it bugged me, but…no. I mentioned today, briefly and nicely among other topics in my response to his most recent email, that I may have taken it too seriously, so I’ll see what he says.

The beauty of this is, I really don’t care if some dude I’ve met once thinks I’m crazy, especially since we seemed kind of “Eh…you’ll do for now” about each other.

And I know I’m overreacting, but consider The Elbow Heckle in the grand scheme — FIRST date, you not only have a negative thought about my body, you tell me? Am I going to have to bring my A++ game EVERY time I see you or you’ll point out my “flaws?” (Yes, I did just extrapolate a likely innocuous comment into a portent of future emotional abuse… What, like you’ve never?)

I’m not Perfect Girl, sir. I DO have dry skin. I use lotion on my hands and legs, but apparently skip my elbows, and my feet. I also have a pudgy belly, enough thigh fat to make another pair of thighs, and if you spank my ass during sex, you’ll see reverb. My forehead is showing signs of early-onset Worf syndrome. I have pale, weak eyebrows if don’t fill them in with pencil, and you’ll know it’s time for me to go back to the hair salon when you see glints of gray growing in.

If you’re expecting perfection in any aspect, you’re not getting it from me. Go hit on Gisele. No, really. I BEG you to let me know how that goes.

Men > Toys. But toys are still good.

Texting the friend who sold me the new sex toy: “Just did a test run, and you were right. It’s bigger than the one I had. A LOT bigger. I only need men for their tongues and hanging curtains now.”

(Kidding, men. I can hang curtains. But I also really like your hands. And your voices. And your weight… Ahem. Sorry, what was my point…?)

Size matters

Given my fairly small dimensions (5’2″, not fat but not thin), it’s kind of a problem how much I’m turned on by men who are bigger than me (ie, MOST men).

I’ve weighed more than my mate, and while it’s not a dealbreaker, certainly, it’s not my preference. I’m only about 20 lbs overweight, and I love a dude who looks like he could take me.

“You there! You look sturdy! Come do things to me!”

Why You Should Always Have Sex on a First Date

Why You Should Always Have Sex on a First Date

I don’t agree with all of this, but I do think you should do whatever feels right for you. And I’m a big believer in the Louis C.K. bit where he says you should be able to see the penis right away to make sure you can work with it. Like test driving a car… Teste driving!