Hope and bedsprings eternal

There’s a Chris Rock bit where he talks about men talking too damn much and ruining a woman’s desire to fuck them — “You say the wrong thing, them panties are comin’ up mighty fast. A woman wants to fuck you? Shut up, let it happen.”

(I’m QUITE sure this also happens when women talk too much to men — I have most assuredly DONE it, I know my own.)

But I went out tonight to see a friend’s band play at my local townie bar, and immediately wanted to bang one of the singers — hot, glasses, tattoos, super muscle-y arms that could throw me all around… UNF.

But then dude started talking. And during the course of his performance, he said someone had “killed hisself,” and he also dabbled in some light “jokey” homophobia AND as a bonus, mocked his friend for saying something kinda intellectual-like — you know how we hate all that book learnin’.

Also, he swore so much that even *I* was like, “GodDAMN, man. You wanna fuckin’ dial that back?”

So. Alas, tonight was not the night I lured an unsuspecting male back to my lair. But hope springs eternal!

Come for frivolity, stay for…more frivolity.

I just admitted to not knowing about a particular political issue, and my brain kicked in with, “You know one day your friends are gonna realize how stupid you are and not be your friends anymore, right?”

*sigh* Yes, Brain. You’ve mentioned.

But also? Fuck you, Brain. My friends know I’m the Joey, and they love me anyway — no one’s expecting me to blow their mind with my thoughts on Hamas.

My brain is broken.

Yesterday my friends told me they ran into Guy I Dated For a Minute, and now for some reason it’s all I can think about.

I THINK it’s partly because my doctors are screwing with the drugs I take, so I hadn’t been in the greatest mental place, anyway, but it’s sort of spiraled into a fun rehash of the “not enoughs” — pretty, smart, cool, good in bed… All the things you think you can suck at, I’ve been telling myself I suck at. Like… this dude doesn’t even want to be FRIENDS with me. What the fuck is that? Am I THAT boring? I even offered him friends with benefits and…still no? So I’m not good enough in bed to fuck a third time?

And by the way? The sex was…serviceable. It was good, but not great. It got the job done. And the dude’s nice and all, but I think I mostly saw friendship there. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much NOW. We’ve been not dating longer than we WERE dating, and it HADN’T been bothering me before. I think I’m finally getting that we’re not going to even be friends, and so I just feel gross and used and stupid. Again. (I teared up while writing that, so it’s possible I nailed it.)

The “stupid” is big because I’m attracted to people smarter than I am, in relationships and friendships, and it goddamn blows to not even be friends-worthy.

*shaking head*

UGHHHHHH. Bitch, stop being a bitch, bitch!

(Here’s hoping putting this in writing is therapeutic, because my actual therapist is on vacation this week.)

Prematurely ejaculating my anxiety.

I met a guy last weekend, and IN MY HEAD, we’ve already been dating (and sleeping together — frequently) for a week.

So…I guess I should probably, like…SAY something to him ever.

He’s a friend of a friend. I’ve ascertained that he’s single and straight. And when I asked, my friend said she’d been hoping I would because she “thought it’d be a good match.” 

Now I just need to figure out what the hell is going on in MY head to make sure I don’t end up being totally weird to a friend of a friend…again. Last time this happened, I slept with the dude way too soon, then realized we had nothing in common and ended up pulling The Fadeaway on him.

I’ve spent so much time “not being ready” that I don’t know if I AM ready, or if it’s just my vagina that’s ready, all, “SINGLE DICK AHOY!”

*deep breath*

SO. My next therapy appointment isn’t until NEXT week, eh? Mm’kay. That…that’s fine…

Of Mice and Man Voice

My OkCupid profile says I’m looking for someone smarter than I am, and when the site asks what I’m “really good at,” one of my answers is “aural fixation (man voices are the BEST).”

Today I got a first message that included: “I am not smarter, as you say you often prefer, and don’t have a man voice, but you sound like a good person I’d like to talk to anyway.”

1. I don’t “often prefer,” I always prefer — everyone I know is smarter than I am, so I’m pretty much constantly learning. But why would you assume, let alone lead with, not being not smarter than I am? I clicked his profile, he seemed fine. How does he know I didn’t blow my entire intellectual load setting up that profile and then wander away to have George tell me about the rabbits? (<– I’m going to hell for that.)

2. OMFG, I love man voices. My friends wonder why I end up having phone sex so often before I meet these guys — I don’t mean to. But I get all squirmy hearing man voice and one thing leads to another and all my blood rushes downward and then my hand decides to investigate and then the guy hears a catch in my voice and then he gets on board and then it’s all the entire hell over.

…Shut UP. I’m gonna bring phone sex back! (I am not. No one is.)

Wall-a-palooza

Writing about therapy in my everyday journal:

“She told me I’ve ‘built up walls,’ but I think I’ve actually constructed some sort of castle. A fortress, really. There might be a moat. Perhaps turrets. Obviously a panic room.

“Pfft. You say ‘guarded and distrustful’ like it’s a BAD thing. Lemme ask you: How many times have I sent money to an online Nigerian prince? That’s right, NO times. See? I don’t have ‘issues,’ I’m just smart.”

Maybe he meant “work in progress” smart

Seeing an “overeducated” and seemingly insufferably cocky man describe himself as “wip smart” in his OkCupid profile makes me far too happy in my petty places.

Are you just too “overeducated” to heed the sage teachings of Stewie Griffin? ‘Cause my state school BA and life spent watching cartoons are serving me pretty well right now.

OK, Cupid. You win this round…

In the interest of fairness, here are some reasons I haven’t clicked “pass” on OKCupid profiles:

— I smiled at one of his photos. (Not in a mocking way. Either his smile made me smile back, or he was doing something funny.)
— One guy said he had “a super-rad dog who likes to chase squirrels and give high-fives.” I want to high-five your dog! Immediately! (Which kinda sounds like a terrible metaphor for sex but it’s not.)
— He enjoys wordplay.
— He seems smarter than I am. I especially loiter on profiles of older college professor types. UNF. Wear tweed, sir. Be my Giles. (Not a professor, I know, but he had that vibe.) Bonus points for elbow patches.
— Similar cultural or food interests.
— Looks a little like Lewis Black, in a hot way.
— Stupidly nice arms. (AND he seemed nice otherwise. I’ve passed on hot guys who seemed…without. But OMG, dude, once we talk a bit and then meet, can I touch your arms? Can I nibble them? Sure, whatever, dinner and a movie — fine. As long as the evening features your arms around me.)

Droppin’ science.

Goddamn right.

How to Respond to a Reporter Who Assumes You’re Not Smart (via Mayim Bialik’s Facebook page).

I get that the reporter was probably interviewing tons of people and can’t research them all, so I don’t think he was being deliberately sexist — I do think he may have asked the same question of any male actor from that show.

However, you ARE an entertainment reporter. This is just a casual interest of mine, not my JOB, and I knew she was a nerd ninja.