Parents shouldn’t have Facebook.

My parents have a habit of making my mundane Facebook posts SUPER weird, so I texted my friends about one post, like, “The fuck? They’re weird, right?” And then…

What could you POSSIBLY want from me?

If there’s something weird that CAN happen with an ex-boyfriend, that weird thing is going to happen to me.

“Hey, what’s up, we never actually DATED 15 years ago, we just slept together, and never spoke again after I told you that needed to stop. But sure, by all means, send me a Facebook message request (because we’re not FB friends) that’s just the automated wave.”

I dated…SO many weirdos, you guys. And it’s ALWAYS the weirdos. No ex I WANT to hear from ever contacts me.

Also, I should mention that HIS WIFE has viewed my LinkedIn profile at least three times over the years. Maybe I’m in the running to be their guest star. (🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼!)

Jon NON Jovi

Um…guys?

🙋🏻‍♀️

This is the autogenerated tweet Twitter suggested to celebrate my 50th follower.

Ahem…

A. Even this TWEET doesn’t give a fuck about 50, only its progress toward 100.

B. Twitter, have y’all just never HEARD “Livin’ on a Prayer?”

C. This…isn’t even grammar.

I would do anything for sanity…but I won’t do THAT…

My friend is taking November off from all her social media, and I’m over here like, “Um, I MIGHT last a weekend…” #junkie

Unfriending the Crazy

Today my psychiatrist advised me to stop consuming so much news and social media.

You heard it here, y’all — modern life is insane-making.

(Also, yes, I’m aware I’m posting this ON social media. Um…it’s a process?)

Disabling enabling

I ran into a former coworker the other day and added him on Facebook, so I guess now Facebook is all, “Hey, we recognize that professional circle! Might you also want to be friends with That Guy?”

No, Facebook. I’ve told you that before. Twice, I believe. But thanks, I felt like feeling weird today. (I have no idea what the feeling is. Not angry, just…weird. Nothing will come of analyzing that NOW, though, so there’s no point — just don’t tell my therapist I said that.)

“You got a WHAT? How long ya had that problem?”

Update on Dude I’d Been Dating: He texted me Sunday to give me back his phone number, and has texted here and there since with everyday minutia, stuff so mundane I feel like he’s just worried I’ll be mad if he doesn’t say SOMETHING.

He re-added me on Facebook (he’s on my “family” filter now, though, so all he sees are sunset photos and dog videos), but not on Instagram, and we were never connected on Twitter.

So I guess we’re friends, with nudity TBD, but I think I’m OK with friends, at least for now. I’m glad we’re talking because that means he didn’t just fuck me and bail. But now I know he can and will just shut down on me, and maybe he’s only talking to me because sex is possible, so I need to get those thoughts in order.

We don’t have plans to see each other, and I’m damn sure not bringing it up, so it won’t be a real issue until he does. (He’s away on a family trip right now.)

In the meantime, I have TWO OkCupid Potentials to write back, so “I’m not waitin’, because I’m no waiter, so when I blow up, don’t try to kick it to me later.”

(^ I…I am so sorry, you guys…)

One more on #AmySchumer

Here’s a video of the half-hour Q&A with Amy Schumer from earlier today at the Free Library of Philadelphia, because technology is amazing. (Except I can’t seem to get the video to embed here, even with the code, so maybe technology is a dick.)

Also, damn, like 2 hours after the event, my Twitter feed (ahem…@smug_singleton…#shameless) had blown up about what an asshole she is, so today’s been an interesting mental journey.

Going for the gold in Fuckery

Via Huffington Post: The Media Is Saying And Doing A Bunch Of Sexist Stuff During The Olympics.

“A commentator said Team USA members looked like they ‘might as well be standing in the middle of a mall’ after they were caught on camera laughing and talking following their utter annihilation of the competition during the qualifying round.”

I really have nothing intelligent to say, but in fairness I think the only thing TO say is “Go fuck yourself.”

 

See also: “Katie Ledecky swims like a man.” [upon protest] “It was a compliment.” Seen in this second article, because there was enough bullshit to write two: Stop Attributing The Success Of Women Olympians To Men.

You get NO stars, dickhole.

I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.