Bend it like “Oh, fuck you.”

Sure, children’s cereal box — it WAS pretty great how the MEN’S soccer team won the World Cup.

OH WAIT.

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

🎶 Fly, Eagles, fly, on the road to man-splain-ing… 🎵

I know a few men who will see me on Facebook offhandedly saying I don’t understand something and then JUMP to explain it to me in my DMs, 1) as if I don’t have Google, and 2) as if I care.

I don’t need to understand everything, especially sports. I do not care how the Eagles won the game last night. And no one is rewarding me with orgasms or snacks for pretending I care, soooo I’m not gonna. Run along.

Dry, Eagles, Dryyy

I MAY have been OkCupid ghosted because I told the guy I didn’t watch the Eagles playoff game last weekend.

Which, you know…that’s fine. Enjoy waiting for the Eagles to wet your dick.

I don’t know what you talk to YOUR friends about…

Discussing life with a very pregnant ladyfriend:

Her: “We still have 10 days to go. The baby seems content to stay there forever, so who knows. Someday, I won’t be pregnant. So they tell me. It’s weird. Everywhere I go I’m like, ‘I could go into labor RIGHT NOW and that would be acceptable. Like, the baby would be fine.’ Pregnancy is a total mindfuck (brought about by an actual fuck, I suppose, haha).”

Me: “That really IS a mindfuck, now that I think about it. ‘Cause eventually the kid just decides, ‘Aaand my work in this womb is done. Comin’ at ya, Ma! Wheeeeee!’ And then she swims down like Nemo, and that ‘Y’all Ready for This?‘ song plays like it’s a sports game.”

Her: “OMG, I wish ‘Y’all Ready for This’ would play whenever anyone went into labor. Vaginas should come equipped with that pre-recorded. Also could be useful during sex?”

Me: “I’m not sure how it would work, science-ly, but I would Kickstart the shit out of technology that would enable my vagina to welcome its visiting team with a jaunty tune. Vaginal Jock Jams. Yes. Shut up and take my money.”

That’s what you get, Muggle.

Via mic.com:  

American Woman! Fuck yeah!

GET IT, LADIES! #WorldCup2015 #LikeAGirl 🇺🇸

“Are we not doing ‘phrasing’ anymore?”

Via Deadspin:  

Re-blog: Good Luck, Chucklefuck.

I don’t know how it’s even possible that I’ve never thought to say “chucklefuck” before, but I plan to remedy that immediately. 

Thank you, The Mary Sue. 

(Also, ew.) 

College Baseball Player Kicked Off Team for Tweeting Sexual Slur About Mo’Ne Davis

“Sports for the Lady Brain,” brought to you by “Men’s Health” magazine.

I almost feel sorry for them.

Oh. Wait. No, I don’t.See responses here.

Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

Ray Rice Cut by Ravens and Suspended by NFL

See, now I’m curious about this issue, and the NFL and Ben Rothless-whatever, and what behavior, exactly, is tolerated from these athletes. But I feel like I’m a) out of my element, and b) just going to end up hating humanity more than I already do.

Because, while I’m glad they did this, albeit months too late and, I think, only because they absolutely had no choice, aren’t we still letting other men play sports who have hit, and raped, women?

Or is it just that this one was dumb enough to do it in front of a camera? (Genuine question, one that’s probably already been asked a million times with no answers.)