Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”
Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”
Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?
(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂
“I don’t agree with abortion, but then again, I have a penis and think I should probably stay out of it.”
— Dennis Miller
One of my dating matches asked about my “guilty pleasure” entertainment choices, and aside from “I never feel guilty about pleasure,” which just sounds filthy in a way I’m not yet going for… I dunno, I’m pretty open about the lame shit I like. I’m not trying to make a guy go to a Pistol Annies show with me, or watch “Jane the Virgin,” or go see “Legally Blonde: the Musical” the 47 more times I’M totally gonna go see it before it leaves Philly. I don’t need you for that.
I mean, I AM gonna need you to like John Mulaney so I know you’re not a goddamn soulless monster, but I don’t feel guilty about that at all. A lady has to have standards, sir.
Amanda Seales on dating:
“I’m a grown-up woman. I’m lookin’ at every dick like the side of a cereal box — I wanna know your nutritional value. Are you exceeding my daily recommended dose of fuckboi?”
If you haven’t watched this, you should.
Friday night I signed up for Bumble. Late Saturday night I sent messages to eight entire men. Today I’m staring at the phone waiting for the guy who looks like a more reserved Pete Holmes to write me back, because damn, dude, HIGH TIDE.
(If you haven’t heard the Holmes bit, the high tide is in my pants.) 🌊
The criteria for depression annoy me.
“Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy?”
OK, fine, but…sometimes shit just gets boring.
How is it MY fault that everything is garbage except John Mulaney specials and Serenity on repeat?
In a list of his favorite comedians, a man on Match writes, “Louis CK (don’t care).”
Oh, OK, cool, thanks for saving me time thinking you might NOT be garbage.
My profile says something like, “I used to love Louis CK but now I can only see him as a creepy ginger jerking off.”
Tonight in therapy: “It’s bad enough my favorite comedians are being outed as molest-y weirdos, but it’s also really fucking up my Spotify lists.”
BRB, have to go marry this woman:
“I’ve got this shit called FEELINGS and they are the goddamn worst…Feelings are fundamentally UNFAIR and TERRIBLE. Something happens to you, totally outside your control, and then you just have to feel BAD for god knows how long? Don’t get it, don’t like it.”
YUP. In the past few years, I’ve taken breaks from/avoided my stupid feelings by mainlining Scandal (multiple times), Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, Breaking Bad, and Jane the Virgin, along with repeated viewings of standup comedy specials and comfort movies.
Not sure if that’s a SIGN of depression or a coping mechanism for it, or both, or just totally normal behavior for the age we live in, but…screw it, it does help.
Via Ravishly:
Quotable Gary Gulman:
“To me, the phone is just this seldom-used app on my phone. And if you use it on me, I am fucking furious. How dare you? You call me unprovoked, out of the blue?
“Text me first to see if I’m even accepting phone calls today! And I will text you back with a window.
“It’s crazy that we even call the iPhone a phone. Calling it a phone is like calling a Lexus a cupholder.”
Smug Singleton 