Will wed for Swedish home furnishings.

I’m still in bed under a mountain of blankets — LIKE AN AMERICAN. But I’m listening to a Louis C.K. bit where he says, “Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him?”

Um…*raising hand* That’s, like, my dream. You come here right now and add pancakes to that equation, you’ve got yourself a bride, my friend. 

Thoughts at breakfast

“I’m rockin’ this diet… until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn’t cure sad. Cookies release endorphins that make you feel better. Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works out. It’s a dick of a fruit.”

Smug Life!

Look what came up on my Pandora standup station this morning!