Stephen Colbert can report from my pants

I am so aroused by this that I’m blushing while watching it at work. I’m actually uncomfortable and a little squirmy.

Shut up.

Colbert doesn’t get involved until about 3:10, but Jesus God, he’s, like, gasping and breathing heavy and I might need to go take care of a few things…with a mop…

Judging by my reaction to hearing it through headphones, if he got breathy even remotely near my ear in person, I would lose my goddamn mind. #truthiness

Smug Takes Manhattan!

Field trip to NYC to see my boyfriend! ❤️  

His guest is Bryan Cranston, so it’s basically my first three-way. Shit’s about to get real, people.

Bryan Cranston’s hot snuck up on me post-“Breaking Bad.” He’s super cute when he’s not making meth, and SO funny in that quick, smart way that melts my draw’s.

I want to love him forever, despite his tighty-Walter-Whities. (<– Yep. Whole post pretty much entirely so I could make that joke.)

Also, all I can see is “Colbert” and “pie,” which is pretty much the dream.

#SmugTakesManhattan

Johnnie Walker “Something Blue”

Wow. Way to target your email to my EXACT needs.

Fancy spa services for two?! Query, though: What kind of spa treatments can you give my life partner, Johnnie Walker? I mean, I’ll bring him, I just have questions.

And my “idyllic wedding venue?” So…there’s a courthouse inside your hotel? And Stephen Colbert is my officiant? And then there’s a dance floor my besties and I can tear up? And then pancakes after? Nice! Let’s do this! 

 

Singleton/Poehler 2016!

Screw it, you guys — I am also running for president. 
The main focus of my platform will be universal pie and vibrators. In fact, by the end of my first term, I’d like us to have pie-brators. I’m not exactly sure what that would entail, but that’s where your generous funding comes in. Together, we can make the merging of baked goods and sex toys a glorious (if sticky) wave of the future. And gentlemen, I didn’t forget you — check my website to read all about my Fleshlight Freedom Initiative, coming (heh) in 2017. 

Other key priorities of my campaign: 

  • Naps. 
  • Very low-dose Xanax in the drinking water. (I promise not to create Reavers.)
  • Once-monthly days off for when you just can’t even, and also for when the weather is too nice to go to work. 
  • Cute bras and clothes available in all sizes. 
  • Food delivery through your TV, like when the Golden Girls have cheesecake, you can say, “TV, fetch me cheesecake,” and it WILL (see also: The Making “Fetch” Happen Doctrine — we’re gonna do it!)
  • Freedom puppies. 
  • A constitutional amendment banning alarm clocks.
  • All establishments that serve coffee shall also deliver it. 
  • Barnes and Noble stores all get converted to huge, constantly-restocked libraries where you can just take books as you choose and return them if/when you feel like it. (Again, you send me money, I’ll work out the logistics.)

Stephen Colbert is Secretary of Everything; Anna Kendrick will be my Ambassador of Stuff. 

Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye are the new co-leaders of the EPA.

And Amy Poehler will be my VP. Obviously. 

So vote for me, people. With liberty, and punch and pie for all. 

Except for Donald Trump and Kanye West. No punch and pie for you. No.

#LastDressEver

For the most part, I don’t bother with any of that Spanx bullshit — I just make people deal with my fat. But this is delightful, and that IS a bomb-ass Princess-grade dress.

(For the record, I would wear the SPECIALEST of undergarments for Stephen Colbert once he takes over. And then I would just sit there in my fancy Underoos while he read to me from Tolkien novels, because his wife is adorable and I couldn’t/wouldn’t homewreck that.)