I chose the Jezebel piece because it has screenshots of what he actually said, which my local source probably couldn’t print because it’s goddamn vile. But if you have a minute, please DO check out the Philly.com article and get a gander at his HANDWRITTEN resignation letter (ON BLUE PAPER. IN ALL CAPS):
You are running for TOWNSHIP COMMITTEE in a small town in South Jersey—maybe don’t step to a journalist at a well-known NATIONAL news site with your psychotic, poorly punctuated bullshit? It still counts as a threat if you write like a first grader, shitheel.
You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.
I stand corrected. (And agape.)
“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!
It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…becamethe first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”
*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps!
I can’t imagine why. The Underground Railroad seemed like a real hoot.
It IS a shame she’s not smiling, since all those white dudes on my money are happy as fuck. They’re ALL whimsy and shenanigans, sticking out their tongues, one’s got a friend doing bunny ears behind his head. And OMG, it’s totes hilar-balls how Franklin’s got one of those moustaches on a stick on the $100 — motherfucker was so jolly, Santa Claus asked him for pointers. In fact, Franklin advised Santa to get the reindeer. *nod* I think I read that somewhere.
There’s a “self summary” section at the top of each OkCupid profile. The end of mine says: “I’m attracted to friends and romantic prospects who use their words. I don’t know what to do with first messages that only say ‘hey’ or ‘hi,’ and will delete them immediately. But getting them at least helps me quickly discern who’s reading about me as an actual human, versus who just looks at photos and wants to do naked things to me.”
On average, I still get one “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” each day. Almost always lowercase, no punctuation.
Since no one reads it, anyway, I might as well include the REAL explanation: “I am incredibly turned on by wit and language, and you can transform my ladybits into the world’s best/worst Slip ‘N Slide just by giving good email. Just ‘hi’ not only keeps my panties ON, it makes me want to go to JCPenney and buy some of those high-top beige cotton draw’s that, on a person as short as I am, can be pulled up far enough to tuck the waistband under my bra and fashion a really upsetting onesie. Use your words, be nice to servers, nibble the back of my neck, tend to my vagina with gusto, know what ‘gusto’ means, get yourself laid.”
It was almost fun to read this on a day when I’m going to go home and stress eat all the things, and frankly anyone who has a problem with that can go fuck themselves. I might even stop and get me that exact doughnut, because fuck you, that’s why.
Via Bust: Why Are We STILL So Obsessed with What Women Eat?Though I’ll admit a twisted pride in the fact that one time I inhaled such a large quantity of food in a restaurant that the server patted me on the back in admiration. You’re goddamn right I ate it. And it was amazing.