Oh, right — it controls BIRTH, not stupidity.

They told me to take my birth control in a way that stops my period, which is great, until I get irrationally angry at stupid people commenting on online weather forecasts and am forced to remember I apparently CAN still have PMS.

But seriously. Goddamn, people are so fucking stupid.

Come for frivolity, stay for…more frivolity.

I just admitted to not knowing about a particular political issue, and my brain kicked in with, “You know one day your friends are gonna realize how stupid you are and not be your friends anymore, right?”

*sigh* Yes, Brain. You’ve mentioned.

But also? Fuck you, Brain. My friends know I’m the Joey, and they love me anyway — no one’s expecting me to blow their mind with my thoughts on Hamas.

Respecting the boundaries of small talk

I told an OkCupid guy I’d gone to the Women’s Conference, and he wrote back asking what “the most inspiring takeaway” was.

The honest answers to this question are not suitable for the first few online dating messages.

1. No matter how crippling my imposter syndrome gets, I shouldn’t be afraid to speak, because chances are I’m NOT the stupidest person in a given room. (Though I still don’t believe that.)

2. We can put too much onto the ONE person in our paradigm of monogamous relationships, and it’s to be expected that we get different things from different people. I am not a slut or a bad person for getting those needs met, and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. (Though I still do.)

3. My knee-high black leather boots are better suited for your filthy sexual fantasies than for walking 6 miles at the Convention Center.

Aaaand we’re done here.

The “gentlemanly” OKCupid guy made way too big a deal about the fact that I’m looking for “just friends” right now.

First off, jagoff, you saw my profile and started the conversation. You asked me about that part, so it’s not like you didn’t see it. And no, that does not mean “friends with benefits,” and fuck you for even asking during our FIRST conversation. You haven’t even met me — that photo I sent could be from 10 years and 100 lbs ago. (It’s not, I’m adorable, but that’s not the point.)

Second, don’t you know the Chris Rock bit? “You know what a [male] friend is to a woman? It’s like a dick in a glass case. ‘In case of emergency, break open glass.'”

I just need to make sure you’re not a moron, and then maybe, OK? I hate realizing guys are dumb after we get naked, it’s the worst! One time I found out a guy I’d hooked up with REALLY liked Larry the Cable Guy — like so much that he’d paid to see him in concert. I let someone see me naked who had also seen Larry the Cable Guy live. Never again, you guys. Never again.

If you’re smart and funny, know how to treat a lady, and are nice to restaurant servers, do you know how quickly I’ll let you bend me over furniture? (That’s the attitude of a “lady,” right? Don’t answer that…)

Whatever, dude, your loss. I almost pity the fool who’s under me when this tension gets released. You couldn’t handle it, anyway.

Fun with Facebook Fitness “Facts”

20140711-103349-38029796.jpgUm, false. Well, I guess it’s true in that every man I’ve ever loved has, in fact, HAD abdominal muscles somewhere on his person. But I don’t have a six-pack, so I’d be kind of an asshole if I expected my mate to have one. I have a six-pack of, like…single-serve vanilla puddings.

Do I want to lick Christian Bale? Certainly. Do I love him? No.

P.S. Can I lick Christian Bale? Please? Can he be wearing only a utility belt and the Batman mask while I do it? (Don’t judge me.)