I’m only HALF white trash.

I don’t have any actual dessert in my house, but I do have graham crackers, Hershey’s syrup, and a positive attitude.

Eat a dick, Mom — they don’t have carbs!

I am, by all appearances, a fully functional adult and a contributing member of society.

Until my mother invites me to like “The Belly Fit Club” on Facebook. Then I’m 12 years old being told my burgeoning lady-gut is “just baby fat”… but also that I should avoid sugar and carbs.

Whatever, lady. I’m adorable. Belly fat and all.

Beverage-based breakup reasons.

Honest breakup reasons…

“Because you’re a grown-ass man who drinks Crystal Light. You don’t have iced tea, goddammit, you have bullshit. There’s a reason the expression is ‘Gimme some sugar,’ not ‘Gimme some aspartame.'”

(And no, he didn’t have diabetes or anything, I checked.)