If I were a single-issue voter, that issue might be dildos.

A friend sent this to me: “Cruz wanted Texas sex to mimic assembling Ikea furniture: a dutiful, results-oriented process enacted without the assistance of substantial tools.”

Via Slate.com: Ted Cruz Once Argued That Selling Dildos Should Be Illegal  

Which is super weird, because he looks so enthusiastic in that photo, like he’s all, “Yaaay, dildos!”

(Again, this is not about politics, so don’t argue with me — this is about dildos. You find me an article about Sanders or Clinton trying to outlaw my vibrator, I’ll post that, too. Dildos transcend politics. Dildos reach across the aisle. Dildos are something we can all come together on. [I’m done now. I think… Wait, one more time — dildo. OK, now I’m done.])

Cruzing for cash

It’s… it’s beautiful…

BTW, I checked my quiver of fucks and couldn’t find a single one to give about the presidential race right now, so for ME, this has nothing to do with Ted Cruz personally, so get off my ass — that’s where I have my Jesus sex. This is about comedy, like “in honor of that time Ted Cruz made his family leave Build a Bear because it wasn’t Christian enough.” I have no idea why, but I laughed so hard my puddified ab muscles hurt, so maybe you will, too. 

Plus, I obviously support Planned Parenthood. I donated and they’re sending me a sticker. I like stickers.